For context: I’m not from a western background. I’m Asian.
If you do something bad and they beat you, they don’t love you. If you do something bad and they yell at you and make you fix it or help you fix it, they love you.
They used to slap the palm of my hand when I was like… I forgot… but I was very young… I don’t really have any memories of corporal punishment after like 10, since I got bigger and you know, I could just run and hide or block it or fight back. I think it could be because of the fear of CPS (we moved to the US when I was 8, and the general vibe is that “physical disciplime” is less accepted here). Not sure, but anyways, they stopped doing it.
I don’t remember dad ever doing that, it was always mom.
But I don’t remember ever getting hit in like any where like organs or anything vital
But evem after, they yell a lot… I kinda feel a lot of anxiety whenever my mom is near…
And yes, I recognize this as abuse, no need to remind me. I hated it. But then again, we came from China, filial piety BS, and that’s how my parents probably grew up… so… idk if I could judge them by the conservative/“traditional” culture they grew up in. Idk why I’m lowkey downplaying it… Maybe this is some stockholm syndrome or trauma bonding or something, idk, my brain is weird… brains are weird…
But then I again… do remember having a lot of positve memories of them… I did have many moments of happiness… I think… with a few traumatic moments sprinkled in between…
I have separation anxiety when it comes to my parents. I wasn’t able to live on campus because the anxiety overwhelmed me. And so I pause college like indefinitely until my depression gets fixed. And they did pay for my college, so… there’s that…
They did make a lot of “sacrafices” so… there’s that.
I don’t think I was ever really deprived of food/water. My basic survival needs were met, but my emotional needs were… not always met… like… there are times where my mother have spend time with me, and it was really wholesome and sweet, and I remember that calm loving motherly voice. I remember feeling like she cared for me, I think, I remember her worrying about me.
But I also remember those times where I felt lonely. Those times where I get yelled at, and I felt afraid, and I cried a lot. (sorry I know I sound pathetic)
But then again, it also has to do with the fact that… in this world… society views money as the most important thing… so parents were busy all the time and had to work… regardless of if when we were China or the US (although the US generally paid better, which why we moved)…
so their partial emotional neglect could be also attributed to society’s fault…
so…
so… its a very complex relationship…
I simultaneously appreciate them for what they did…
But also fear them and kinda hate them…
But I’m on their healthcare plan and I kinda want them to pay for my um… medical bills, that I’m probably gonna incur soon since I’ll have to restart treatments…
which was paused because they were kinda skeptical of psychaitry so I felt guilty and didn’t wanna be a burden so I stopped taking medications and stop going to the doctor (PCP, not a specialist) because I was just too depressed to go…
I mean the PCP told me to find a psychaitrist…
but that where I’m at… kinda hard to look aroud for one that accept the insurance + accepts new patients + they don’t “feel sketchy” to me (like say… located in a rough part of the city, for example)…
but I asked mom if she was willing to pay for it and she agreed to… I mean it’s not like I can pay for it…
so… 🤷♂️
I guess its kinda my lifeline… because I’m very close to just ending it if they stopped supporting me. I really really wanna just jump off a nearby bridge like tomorrow… but I can’t tell a doctor about it because I don’t wanna get locked up.
Definitely find a therapist. Don’t depend on the internet for catharsis or advice.
based on all the questions you’ve posted lately you desperately need to talk to a psychologist. We don’t know your situation, and you need an objective 3rd party with training, experience and a legal requirement of privacy to figure your issues out. Someone you can tell everything to, who won’t share it, and can pick through your perceived and actual experiences to guide towards healing.
Do they sacrifice themselves for you or do they sacrifice you for the benefit of themselves?
There’s a poignant scene in Squidbillies where Rusty meets his “mama” and she was like “Oh i didnt want you to grow up in a home and parent who doesn’t love you, or with her if she couldnt benefit from him in any way”
Her honesty about that is seriously refreshing. I had a mother who abused and used the shit out of us and would moan to make us give her permission to treat herself when her entire fucking life was a treat at our expense
In case of my mother: she does not say stuff she does not mean
Father: he is “simping” us childrenYou don’t. Love is expressed by things people do, not what they say.
I don’t agree with your premise, love languages are real, and some people, like me, what are called words of affirmation are very important and receiving them feels like receiving love, and when people don’t speak the same love language, an act significant to the giver may not be received and felt as significant by the receiver
@[email protected] has a point, though. I agree with you that love is expressed by words, but I also agree with them that words alone are meaningless if not backed by loving behaviour.
Yah. But you realize that someone could simply lie to you right?
My love language is gaslighting my partner 🥰🥰
May be both, but universally, actions speak louder than words.
If they tell you they love you, they love you. But there are many, many different kinds and aspects of love, many ideas what love is. If they tell you “we love you” but you cannot feel or sense this love, you are both using the same word, but not the same idea of love. Or maybe you have even the same idea what love means, but have different ways and needs how to express and experience this love.
The key would be not to doubt their love but to discuss and reflect with them what they mean when they say “We love you”, how they try to show you their love, how they want you to show your love, how you want them to show their love.
Sadly, for most people such conversations are very hard, if not next to impossible. Counseling, mediation or therapy can be helpful, if you’ve got access to any.
This is a really good answer. Even terrible parents generally ‘love’ their children. Some believe that means giving everything they want and never saying “no”, others believe that by bullying their kids they’re “making them strong”. And some genuinely love their kids, but less than they love their career or football.
Fortunately most parents really do want to do right by the kids, and have a more sane idea of what love means. But they might not always express that love in the way the child needs or understands, for a variety of reasons.
I think most parents genuinely care about their kids and love them to the fullest extent they know how. I think it just gets lost a lot of the times because parents are also just people with decades of their own trauma who probably had kids before they really worked on themselves enough. Sometimes they’ll show you “tough love” (read: unkindness) because from reflecting on how they were raised, they think it will be good for you. If you try to understand what their belief system is, you’ll probably start to see how they believe they are helping you.
Ex) My mom never wanted kids, and told me so herself. She didn’t spend much bonding time with us. But she worked a lot in laborious jobs and always cooked us healthy meals even though she didn’t like cooking either. She doesn’t enjoy interacting with kids, but she still loved us by trying to keep us as healthy and financially stabile as possible. This also reflects some of the struggles she experienced when she was a kid dealing with food rations.
Love is something you do, not something you feel.
Do they respect you as a person? Do they let you have your own space and life? Do you feel like they are being fair and reasonable with their expectations of you? Do they get mad so they have an excuse to write you off or ignore you?
A person who loves you will always be reasonable towards you and treat you like a human being. They won’t be a perv and go through your stuff or gossip about you. They won’t try to take from you, but fair expectations are fair.
2 things they way they treat you normally and how they treat you when you are at your lowest.
To elaborate a bit more: did they do everything in their power to help and uplift you? Did they like spending time with you? When you did something wrong how did they approach it? What do you think was going in their head?
Like My Mom and father did everything they could do to help me. Even my father is heavily misguided, I chose to believe he was doing/saying what he felt was correct for me. Plus I never felt like a burden or unwanted. This is stark contrast to my SO mother who thinks kids are ball and chain and wishes she didnt have them.
I take some time to myself to reflect, shum, and think about cabbage
Outside romantic relationships, the vast majority of people don’t have to deal with false declarations of love, so there’s no general method here. If you want to ask about your specific case you’ll need to provide more information.
Most, no (but that also extends to romantic relationships). But there are parents who will tell their children they love them, but also abuse them without a second thought. I’ve seen it myself. In that case, I think it’s pretty clear that they don’t actually love them.
Yeah that’s the thing: They (usually) do. It’s weird and irrational, but people are weird and irrational.
This might be paranoia. Try to check with a good therapist.
Nope, post history sais MAGA parents.
No, parents aren’t maga. I was mocking maga from my impression of the PoV of a typical White American household. Sorry if that was confusing.
You don’t. You just wait until it becomes clear that they haven’t loved you and it was all for the drama.
I would almost say the background doesn’t really matter in this case. You (or someone you know) is being told by their parent that they love them, but there is obviously a reason to doubt it. What is that reason? I feel like there’s much more behind your question that you’re dealing with.
