I cook at home because of restaurant prices and tip culture. Driving everywhere sucks. Everything feels miles away so good luck walking.
Volunteer. Audition for community theater. Get a job. Join a hiking group. Take an adult learning class. Download a dating app. Get yourself out there.
I met my eventual spouse an art gallery opening. Amazing how certain settings filter out the detritus of society.
Coed recreational sports team. Lots of them are mostly social with a little bit of sports tossed in. And almost all of them are looking for more players.
Bouldering is the goat sport for this. Lots of little downtime in between routes which leaves room for talking. But you also always have something to talk about and compliment etc.
Hobbies. I got into ham radio for this very reason. It’s also adjacent to my job (IT), and it’s one of the quintessential “hobby hobbies” like stamp collecting and model trains.
But doesn’t ham radio introduce you to people halfway across the planet?
Work and shared hobbies. I recently went to buy some hardwood from a work colleague. We don’t even work the same shift but they’re fond of asking what I’m building or showing me what they’re building because who else are they going to talk to about their hobby (I imagine).
We’re not friends, but there’s this hobby. I get there and it’s not a mere business transaction nor do we talk work. It almost had a kid feel to it. Like when you crossed the hedge to the yard of the kid next door and he welcomes you because it’s more fun if you can show off and share your toys. Only as adults. Kudos on reclaiming a small piece of that.
Adulthood is such a roadblock sometimes.
Being an adult is hard, in so many different ways.
I miss kindergarten.
Naps, cookies, juice boxes, why did we ever stop that?
I love being an adult. It’s amazing.
I absolutely hated Kindergarten. Being subjected to the whims of clueless adults is miserable.
Being subjected to the whims of clueless adults is miserable.
Sounds exactly like adult life with a job when you phrase it that way.
What do you enjoy doing that’s not work and not “adulting”?
Find a hobby. Then find a group that shares that hobby. Clean up a park day, maybe.
Or find a charity or nonprofit that needs volunteers.
The local library probably has things going on, too.
Find a third space whether it’s the magic the gsthering shop and shop tournies or church or a knitting circle ran by the local yarn shop.
Museums too. There are a decent number that have “adults night” now.
That’s a great suggestion! They also tend to host specific exhibits and events that give good opportunities to meet people with similar interests.
Plus they’re just fun. One in a small city by me has an exhibit on local glass manufacturing techniques from the previous turn of the century and how some were invented locally, comparing them to ceramic techniques from across the globe and time. Absolutely fascinating stuff.
Get a hobby, go to events, find social circles, and drink at the sort of bars you can chat with strangers at.
I met my wife at a dungeon, but I know that’s not to most people’s tastes.
Hey, I’ve also made long term friends from underground raves/sex dungeons. It’s a totally valid way to make friends. Like so many other methods, you already have a shared interest, that’s a springboard to explore if you’re otherwise compatible as buddies.
Become a regular at the third space of your choice. Like minded people that attend the same things repeatedly tend to click.
Work and hobbies
The house next door is empty and up for sale. I happened to see a real estate agent and a couple in the driveway, and she waved to me, in a sort of inviting way, so I went over and helped her pitch the house a little, telling them that the previous people were really great, kept up the house nice, did lots of upgrades, the street is really friendly and meets at the neighborhood pool every morning, etc.
The wife asked if there were any musicians, and I raised my hand. She asked what instrument, I said guitar, and she pointed to her husband, and said “So does he.” I said " Please buy this house!"
Yesterday, I heard the house is in escrow, and we’ll have new neighbors soon. I hope it’s the guitarist, I would love a guitar buddy, I literally have NOBODY to play with.
I’m guessing you don’t want to hear “the bar”.
Hobby groups. For board games, hiking, sports, etc.
You already have a shared interest, makes things easier.
I found bars full of people with self abuse issues.
Then the other things seem more useful for you in particular.
It’s also just that it’s easier to talk to people while doing things. Chatting over a task/project/activity is kinda just what people do
True! Making friends out of strangers isn’t really all that difficult, but it does take some practice in being a normal human being and talking to people you just run into.
The sense of community in America is really dying out hard as people isolate themselves further in their little islands of homes and apartments and only socially exist online. But it is possible to just chat with some person you meet in the park while going for a walk without being a weirdo, just many people have forgotten how.
There’s a group of guys I meet up with in the warmer months to fish for bass under a bridge. How’d I meet them? I was fishing for trout in a lake and one of em asked if I had any bites. We had a normal chat between fishers, asking about what we’re targeting, what kinda bait and lures we’re using, comparing successes and failures. I peppered in some info about myself, e.g. mentioned a local noodle bar I liked, mentioned my partner, he did the same, we felt we were similar enough, he invited me to join him and his friends and now we meet up every couple of weeks between April and October.
You just gotta talk to people and not make it weird.
Yeah, it’s a difficult and scary skill to learn, and it begins with the much maligned small talk. Small talk is just easy ways to feel out another person so you might become more comfortable with each other. You just practice it with strangers until you’re comfortable doing it in general, and from there you can move to get better at conversing. It really is just a skill people can learn.
Plenty of people here are social. They just are not open to meeting new people, new ideas, let alone people that are different than them.
They want everyone everything to be the same. That’s what is super weird to me, personally. They get super hostile to you once they realize you aren’t like them, even if you are polite and kind.
I’ve had people try to start physical fights with me the past couple of years over differences of opinion or hobbies. That never happened to me ever in my life until recently. It sucks. The hostility is intense in a way that it never was before.
“I’ve had people try to start physical fights with me the past couple of years over differences of opinion or hobbies.” “No woman from a dating app has ever wanted to be my friend unless she was trying to get in my pants and I wasn’t into her.”
Do you think maybe there’s a common denominator here?
This is how I did it. You just have to find the like minded individuals and put in the time to get to know them. I did it through meetup.com some, word of mouth of events from other friends, and just talking a chance and talking to someone who seemed chill from work. Some of my best friends now.
I hope Mayberry is nice grandpa. This isn’t the world anymore. If it was you wouldn’t be reading this post.
Every comment you made in this post has basically been agism wrapped in a cultural mask. I get you’re mad at your parents but you’re also going to be old someday whether you like it or not.
This has been just over the past couple years for me. It absolutely still is the world if you aren’t a jackass
For me, it was always through work. Meeting co-workers after work, and meeting other people that way.
You do need to make an effort, though, instead of excuses.
You do need to make an effort, though, instead of excuses.
This really needs to be said more often, I don’t know what’s going on out there but I see this “I can’t make friends” sentiment all over the internet, but out in physical space people aren’t just going to “click” with you, you have to put in effort, use judgement if you’re putting in the right effort for the right company, and you have to decide what you’re setting aside to invest in this goal.
“I don’t have time to do ____” surely applies to a lot of people and situations, but in my time coaching I always had to tell people that you don’t get good at something without making the time to actually work towards it, and making that time is always going to be a you problem. You have to decide if that 2 hours you spend “unwinding” after work is really doing you more good than hanging out somewhere and socializing or even just trying new things. You have to look at your situation critically; how much time are you spending on things you’re just addicted to in some way, but aren’t really helping your life?
I get being tired, we’re all fucking tired. But it doesn’t fix itself, all you can really do is force your body and brain to adapt to new kinds of stimulus and activity, which it will readily, you just can’t have both… you can’t spend all your spare time gaming or scrolling and expect you’re going to also be able to instantly shift gears if someone calls you up to go have dinner or play airsoft or go hiking or something. Not that they will if you spend all your time gaming and waiting.
Or you could live in a less urban area, specifically one where transplants are less common than people who grew up less than 30 min away. People who never left their home town, whose friend group also never left, still have all their friends from school and don’t need or want more. They don’t really want to be your friend even if you do click. You can meet them out dozens of times and have running jokes when you see each other, but they’ll never go out of their way to make or keep plans.
Everyone who moves to my current area says basically the same thing about how difficult it is to make friends here. People much more commonly get their friends hired with them than make friends with new people who get hired, so even that hasn’t been a super fruitful endeavor. Only people I’ve managed to make lasting friends with have also been from elsewhere and struggled.
That’s not to say people aren’t nice and welcoming, they are, they just aren’t welcoming into their social circles.
Yep. I’m exhausted after work, but when I spend some time after work biking I find I’m less exhausted after work once I’ve gotten used to it. Then add social events and yeah, I might need a day of rest regularly, but I also need to get out and do stuff regularly.
Also, learning to flirt is hard and vital. You will make an ass of yourself. Eventually though you get good at it. I’m an awkward dweeb with crap social skills, and yet after learning to flirt and years practicing I’ve managed to find myself making out with strangers on nights out every once in a while. The vital addendum is learning to chat with strangers and have a good time without it going further. Once again, awkward weirdo, but I’ve had so many lovely evenings out chatting with people I may or may not see again. It’s fun and results in a good reputation.
The best advice I’ve gotten and given about flirting, is to not think about flirting, don’t think about the relationship game, don’t think about outcomes or consequences, instead focus on being just a little more bold than you’re normally comfortable with.
Don’t even try it if you’re not already getting more comfortable chatting and hanging out with people. Flirting is just friendliness with confidence. You have to walk before you can run. It also helps to have at least one person you trust enough to tell you where you’re being weird or how you’re coming off to new people.
I think starting flirting not expecting anything but practice is also valuable. I mostly flirt catch and release these days, and I think it’s best to understand that the goal is to learn to have fun with it. Even when married you should be flirtatious with your spouse, so learn to love it.
The vital addendum is learning to chat with strangers and have a good time without it going further. Once again, awkward weirdo, but I’ve had so many lovely evenings out chatting with people I may or may not see again. It’s fun and results in a good reputation.
This is really key. It’s fun to spend an evening getting to know someone! And if that’s your only goal for a date - you’re probably going to have more of a good time than not.
the problem is people watch social media all day and expect everything to be easy and instant like it is on there.
Sounds like you need a bicycle. Not only do you increase range but you can also meet other bike people.
you can also meet other bike people.
guys with ginger dreadlocks.
That being said bike people are certainly a certain type of odd, and if you’re looking for women, we’re definitely a minority of people really into bicycles. Like, I love bikes, if you’re interested in them look for bike groups and see if there’s a bike repair coop nearby, 10/10 hobby, especially if you’re looking for left wing people who aren’t super self destructive.
I have been actively involved in the bike community in my city. There is about 1 woman for every 100 dudes, and she’s already dating another bike guy who is way more into bikes than you. It is an insane sex ratio. Also a lot of the bike people have nothing else going other than bikes and it’s just straight up weird. Like they work with bikes all day, then go on 6 hour bike rides, and spend any free time looking at pictures of bikes on social media.
The only ‘bike’ thing I know that has a good balance of men to women is triathlons. And that’s a sport people mostly come to from running or swimming, which also have much better gender ratios. In my city ‘run clubs’ have become dating hot spots.
Yeah, though in my experience the bike girl with a bike guy boyfriend is the one problematically into bikes in their relationship. Like, he’s had to put his foot down about no more new bikes.
Like as a woman into bikes, I really wish there were more of us and I know a lot of women who casually are interested, but I think especially with how hard-core into bikes a lot of people in the scene are scares people off. That and a lot of women who don’t have mechanical skills are uncomfortable trying for fear of breaking something or facing judgement.
In the city I used to live in a lot of the bike women I met got into it after burning out of some form of anarchist activism, and they tended to be some of the more balanced people in the bike scene that I knew.
So yeah, more casual group bike rides that encourage newer people and work to make women feel comfortable would be awesome for the hobby. And getting a second hobby would be awesome for a lot of people in the hobby.
I gave up on bike people. There is just way too much bullshit involved in cycling communities, and way too many people who are bitter that other people ride different kinds of bikes than they do. Way too many of them would rather bitch about other cyclists than actually just ride their bikes and be happy.
I used to teach people how to fix bikes but I quit after it went from a fun thing to be being lectured about how ‘problematic’ I was for having a penis and that what we ‘really need’ is woman-identifying person to teach women. Because all men are inherently evil or something.
Bikes are suppose to be fun. Not a proxy for people’s identity and political issues. But sadly that is what people prefer, to create their little tribes and be an asshole to anyone who isn’t part of their tribe.
most people who ride bikes aren’t ‘bike people’.
anymore than most people who drive cars, are ‘car people’.
and the vast majority of people who ride bikes want nothing to do with ‘bike people’ because they are weird and obnoxious.
Oh jeez, by bike people I meant others that ride a bike. Not necessarily doing nude bike rides or critical mass
As much as everyone hates dating apps, it’s dating apps. Keep an open mind and go on dates looking to just get to know another person. Apps put a large swath of people in your view that otherwise you may not have crossed paths with.
Otherwise, church, bars, hobby meet ups.
you don’t make friends on dating apps. you find dates.
OP did say “get into relationships.”
I met my current friend group through dating apps. You gotta keep an open mind when meeting people - you’re there to get to know them as a person. Sometimes that leads to dating, sometimes it’s friendship.
Women tell men they want to be friends as a way to reject them softly. They don’t mean it.
I’ve got plenty of friends who are men. You’re only shooting yourself in the foot to believe these gendered things about women and men.
No, that’s my life experience. No woman from a dating app has ever wanted to be my friend unless she was trying to get in my pants and I wasn’t into her.
You are a woman clearly, you have a lot more social luxury and I bet you 100% all the ‘male friends’ you met on dating apps are secretly hoping one day you will ‘wake up’ and date them.
Men and women can be friends, but not from a dating app where the intention is attraction and sex. I have lots of female friends but I am not attracted to them.
The people you meet on dating apps tend to know other people and you can build a friend group. You know, if you’re likeable and friendly.
I think it’s more telling that no one wants to be friends with you. That shouldn’t be extrapolated to all women don’t want to be friends with men.
You don’t know me and to make such assumptions is only good to further isolate yourself from society.
So manipulate people I meet on dating apps to date their hotter friends?
Now you’re just arguing for dishonestly and manipulation. Nice. So upstanding.
I’m not isolated from society. I just don’t use people on dating apps or treat them like social commodities. The fact you think in such dicthomies is alarming. You’re either socially isolated, or you need to use people.
Where I stand I have honest and healthy relationships. I don’t go around trying to acquire people like Pokemon and I certainly don’t use dating apps for a social life.
