Mine has always been those who can’t make up their mind whether they want to bother with you or not. Like I have someone who, what felt like was pulling teeth almost, to confess whether they were interested in me or not. The best they could say was “I didn’t say I am but I also didn’t say I’m not either”. Like what the hell kind of response is that?
With things like that, I am a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ type of person. Don’t be dicking with my feelings like that. In fact, I would want to hear ‘no’ by this point because that would give me the release to pursue others.
Another peeve is lack of building. I’m huge on building. Pry into my world and I’ll pry into yours, lets learn eachother as much as we can. We can’t learn anything if the conversation is always short-strung by one-wording eachother to death.
Not following ISO-8601.
Bisexuals who bring the straight relationship paradigm into dating or the bedroom. (Not all or most bisexuals, but damn, certainly some)
It’s mostly just really sad -men need to up their dating game, and a lot of straight sex expectations feel kinda rapey. Like girl it’s not normal for your partner to choke you in the middle of sex without asking or prenegotiation and it is weird that you were disappointed that I didn’t do that.
Mostly specific to online dating, but: People who dead end a conversation. Like, their profile says they love the author NK Jemisen. I write, “oh, I love her books! Did you read The City We Became? It’s a total love letter to the city”.
They response with, “no”.
Friend, that’s not an effective way to play this game.
If you are not interested in dating, just unmatch. Maybe you swiped by accident or when drunk. I don’t care. I’m not going to remember.
If you are interested in dating, you should put some effort in. If you don’t throw the ball back, you look like you’re either uninterested or incapable. I don’t want to date someone who’s not interested, nor someone who can’t carry a conversation.
You might be thinking, “Well they asked a yes/no question and I answered as such”. Technically true, but not productive. What do you expect them to do? Ask another first-message-tier question? This isn’t supposed to be a one sided interview like you’re applying for a job. You’re supposed to be a full participant. Ask a question (preferably related to the topic). Or, if you’re not interested anymore, unmatch.
You might also be thinking, “well I don’t have time for a whole conversation right now”. Ok. Do you ever have time? If not, delete the app because you don’t have time to date. If you do, answer when you have time. These things are asynchronous. If you’re afraid you’re going to forget, I don’t know man write yourself a note. That’s a life management problem outside the scope of dating advice.
This whole thing peeves me because it feels like people want “banter” and witty conversation, but they don’t want to do their half of it. They want to be passively entertained, but this isn’t some podcast you can listen to when dozing. These are (hopefully) real people looking for connection.
My therapist told me that people have different styles of communication and that’s okay. Maybe some people would be happy where their conversations are no deeper than “Did you hear the new slothrust album?” “No”. Doesn’t seem like an effective way to get to know someone to me.
I don’t want to date someone who’s not interested, nor someone who can’t carry a conversation.
I mean, then that person’s not for you.
If it’s not a yes, it’s a no. If you ask someone on a date and they um and ah, that’s effectively a no. Some people are just bad of saying no.
And some women are scared to say “No” or told they should say “No”. Invite the No when you ask
basically how gender-war most dating has become.
before social media i never really dealt with women or dated women who were did the whole ‘you are a man, i am a woman’ bullshit. but now it’s like all i ever deal with and since i am not willing to basically pay women to date me I don’t really date anymore, since every woman in my city i meet has decided she has a price tag to date her and any man that isn’t spending $1000s on her ‘doesn’t value her’, and they all expect you to be a millionaire. seriously, my last dozen short term relationships all ended because the woman basically said ‘pay up if you want to keep seeing me’ and I said no thanks.
it’s so transactional, it’s gross. i won’t even go into the ’ a real man must make all the decisions in the relationship’ nonsense, that also seems to be having a HUGE uptick this decade. i’m not interested in dating a toddler in an adult body and being a daddy, thanks.
i never dealt with any of this in the 2000s or 2010s. women wanted to be your partner and pay their own way and wanted an emotional connection, not a financial one. not sure what the hell happened to all that, I really liked it and it was a lot more fun.
Did you maybe start with online dating? That’s where the transactional thing really is omnipresent and it sucks.
So for me when I was dating it was that people were never interested in me as a person, for a variety of reasons.
So for example a lot of people my age have children and look for a mother figure. Or think mothers themselves are not for serious companionship.
Or looking for what I provide as a service (free therapy).
Or it’s a money thing.
Eventually it went from annoying to exhausting. Well, it was not adding anything to my life so why bother?
I would want to hear ‘no’ by this point because that would give me the release to pursue others.
If they haven’t locked you down, you owe them nothing. Be direct.
If they were worth waiting for, they would give you a straight answer.
“I’m interested in you, but you’ve been lukewarm about this whole thing. Whenever you make up your mind, you know where to find me, but I can’t spend my life waiting for you to make a move.”
that is a solid answer
People not knowing when to use ‘is’ and ‘are’ in English.
For reals, though? Mostly energy put into conversations, who spends the effort to initiate topics, and whether someone actually has hobbies other than just watching TV.
Sounds like you’re annoyed that other versions of English exist. AAVE is valid
If you have to ask, that’s your answer. People prioritize and make time for whatever is important to them. It sounds like you were something to do if there was nothing better to do.
bingo. if they make you feel like an option it’s because you are an option while they seek someone else or wait for someone better to come along.
or the other person was unsure and didn’t want to commit.
Then say so.
Lack of building?
I assumed they meant in the “build vs maintain” sense. Builders add to the conversation by telling their own stories. Maintainers instead focus more on “wow what was that like for you?”
https://haileymagee.substack.com/p/these-three-communication-differences
But that’s a guess.
All the good Bobs are either taken or gay 🤷♂️
And the only Bobs left have trouble saying ‘yes we can’ or ‘no we can not.’
