I was all about Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, a collection of facts a lot of which probably aren’t true but it was entertaining.
But this was absolutely the backup option.
“Oh, sulfates huh? Tell me more. Rinse and REPEAT?? The fuck outta here.”
I’ll forever be grateful to those thronal thespians of the page, who told me exactly whence the phrase, “Close, but no cigar,” came from.
magazines
This honestly. Lots and lots of magazines in a basket on the wall.
'member Reader’s Digest?
My parents had that but for some reason I chose the shampoo over it
My first language course
The modern Rosetta Stone.
Telling the world not to cover a radiator/other such heating apparatus 😁
What the languages look like to me (top-bottom, left-right): Swedish, Norwegian, German, Finnish, English, French, Polish.
I know English and French, am learning German, and have seen a TON of Finnish and Polish stuff (mostly music lyrics). The other 2 are clearly northern Germanic languages, but it’s hard to tell which (the first one can’t be Danish because they usually use ø instead of ö, and I don’t think Danish usually uses å, but the second one also looks like Swedish to me… so it’s a shot in the dark).
You’re right about first two being Swedish and Norwegian and half right and half wrong about Danish letters: we use ø rather than ö, but we DO in fact use å.
The only difference between this particular phrase in Norwegian and Danish is that we’d use an æ (equivalent of Norwegian and Swedish ä), making it “tildækkes”. Danish and Norwegian are very much mutually intelligible, especially in writing 🙂
Gotta be careful reading those dr bronners, you might get sucked in to the cult
Dude wtf is that… I bought some spearmint toothpaste off Amazon didn’t pay attention to anything, just wanted spearmint. Package came in and it was Bronners. The box scared the shit out of me so much I immediately through it in a closet because I was too scared to open it.
Haha that’s fair. Honestly though they make legitimately good products and while some of the stuff they have written on there is a bit cuckoo, it seems well meaning and some of the ideas they present (e.g. taking care of the earth and each other) are actually good
When as a kid you sit in the bathroom and start reading bottles of shampoo and then cutting off the first letter each time.
“Shampoo” “Hampoo” “Ampoo” “mpoo” “poo” “oo” “o” “”
And for reason poop was like “Get me the fuck out of this body right nooowww!!!” after you read something.
“Wait. ALL this shit. On every bottle?”
Dr.Bronner’s typesetter
eye twitching
ALL ONE.
(LABEL)
I had a dedicated place for comics. I weekly rotated the content and always had entertainment. Maybe I should start doing this again.
That Castile soap is great, especially for oil/grease.
Not only that but they are a fantastic company and treat their employees really, really well.
The first bottle I got had some wonderful shit about helping PTSD patients and research on psychedelics.
The one I have now reads like the psychotic ramblings of a cult leader…
Love the soap but holy crap the labels are wild.
He ate all the psychedelics
“God wants me to go home now”
What is even the point of bringing up mastodon in the title? This meme is old as dirt.
p e p p e r m i n t
It was okay before the dude died and his family took over and put all that cult stuff on it.
After escaping from a mental institution in 1945, he went into business
That explains the bottles.
Seriously though, glad he got out. His ramblings were coming from a good heart and his soap is legendary.
I used to work at a book store and the smart phone killed sales of uncle John’s bathroom reader.
FAMILY SOAPMAKERS SINCE 1858
DR. BRONNER’S
18-IN-1 HEMP TEA TREE
PURE-CASTILE SOAP
CERTIFIED FAIR TRADE
MADE WITH ORGANIC OILS
Ingredients: Water, Organic Coconut Oil*, Potassium Hydroxidet, Organic Palm Kernel Oil*, Organic Olive Oil*, Tea Tree Extract, Organic Hemp Oil, Organic Jojoba Oil, Citric Acid, Tocopherol
*CERTIFIED FAIR TRADE INGREDIENTS
tNone remains after saponifying oils into soap & glycerin.
100% POST-CONSUMER RECYCLED PLASTIC BOTTLE!
2-3x more concentrated than many leading liquid soaps, cleansers and body washes. Dilute with water. Clouds when cold. Put in warm room/water: clears at about 70oF.
WARNING! Don’t drink soap! Keep out of eyes. If cap clogs, poke it clear. Do not squeeze bottle and shoot out soap. Soap can clog and spurt with pump dispensers. Flush eyes well with water for 15 minutes. Consult a physician if irritation persists.
DR. BRONNER’S
ALL-ONE!
MAGIC SOAPS
In all we do, let us be generous, fair & loving to Spaceship Earth and all its inhabitants. For we’re ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE!
OVER 150 YEARS & 5 GENERATIONS OF SOAP EXCELLENCE
CERTIFIED UNDER THE USDA NATIONAL ORGANIC PROGRAM
NO DETERGENTS
NO FOAMING AGENTS
Enjoy only 2 cosmetics, enough sleep & Dr. Bronner’s ‘Magic Soap’ to clean body-mind-soul-spirit instantly uniting One! Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! For facial packs, scalp & soothing body rub, add dash on bath towel in sink of hot water. Wring out. Lay over face & scalp. Massage with fingertips. Repeat 3 or 4 times ’til arms, legs & all are rubbed, always towards the heart. Rinse towel in plain hot water and massage again. Breathe deeply!
MADE IN U.S.A.
Dilute: Enjoy 1 soap for 18 uses! Shave-Shampoo-Shower-Bath-Mop-Launder-Degrease! Dr. Bronner’s Pure-Castile is the very best soap for body, home and Spaceship Earth! Synthetic preservatives? Detergents? Foaming agents? NONE! Health is our greatest wealth! Enjoy body rub to stimulate body-mind-soul-spirit and teach the Essene Moral ABC uniting all free in the shepherd-astronomer Israel’s greatest All-One-God-Faith!
100% BIODEGRADABLE!
DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!
One small squirt applied to wet hands or washcloth to wash hands-face-body.
Work 1/2 tbsp. into wet hair, rinse, with Dr. Bronner’s Organic Hair Rinse.
Dilute 1:10 with water for hand-washed dishes, best in soft water.
For laundry, 1/3-1/2 c. soap in large load, add 1/2 c.vinegar in rinse cycle.
Mop floor: 1/2 c. soap in 3 gal. of hot water.
Wash dog by wetting fur, then massage soap in for good lather, rinse thoroughly.
A dash in bowl of water to remove residue from Fruit & Veggies. Rinse clean.
All-Purpose Cleaner: add 1/4 c. of soap to qt. of water in spray bottle.
One tbsp. in qt. of water to spray plants for bugs. Dash of cayenne optional.
Shave face-underarms-legs: lather up 5-10 drops in wet hands, apply.
Visit LisaBronner.com for more uses!
DR. BRONNER’S IS CERTIFIED
Contains at least 70% Fair for Life Fair Trade certified ingredients
“The 2nd Coming of God’s Law!” Mohammed’s Arabs, 1948, found Israel Essene Scrolls & Einstein’s “Hillel” probe that as no 6-year-old can grow up free without the ABC, so certain can no 12-year-old survive free without the Moral ABC that mason, tent & sandalmaker Rabbi Hillel taught carpenter Jesus to unite all mankind free in our Eternal Father’s great All-One-God-Faith! For we’re All-One or None: “Listen Children Eternal Father Eternally One!”
Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! Teach the Moral ABC that unites all mankind free, instantly 6 billion strong & we’re All-One. “Listen Children Eternal Father Eternally One!”
From Jesus’ “Manual of Discipline,” based on Hillel’s Moral ABC , the Army of Principles of One-God-Faith, unites the Human race, as found 1948 by Mohammed’s Arabs in Israel Essene Scrolls! English by Soapmaker Bronner!
Under one Eternal Father, I must teach friend & Enemy the full truth Moral ABC to unite all mankind free in One-God-Faith.
To get it all done: A Beast can only listen to its friend! A Human Being must teach-love his Enemy or that being is not yet human!
A shark can only love its friend. Lacking frontal lobes, it must avoid-fear-smear-hate-slander-dominate-dictate-distort-destroy anything it does not know, understand or disagrees with. That’s a shark. But a Human Being possessing the Kingdom of God’s Law, the Essene Moral ABC of the FREE within his frontal lobes, works hard to teach friend & enemy the Moral ABC, otherwise that being is not yet human.
A Human Being is a constructive working scientist who knows, loves, follows, teaches Full Truth, God’s Law, to all of God’s Children, friend & Enemy, otherwise that being is not yet Human! Exceptions? None!
The moment any being follows, tolerates or teaches earthen half-gods or half-truisms, that moment he becomes a godless, intolerant Beast, potentially 10 times more dangerous & destructive than any ordinary Shark-Snake-Rat or Panther!
If we really want Brotherhood-Progress-Peace, not war, we must not only listen to the neighbor whom we choose, but also to the one God sends! Otherwise we’re still Beasts, not yet Human! Exceptions eternally? Absolutely None! Jesus’ Manual of Discipline, out of the mouth of subway-builder Nikita Khrushchev, April ’56, London, England
“WE MUST TEACH LOVE OUR ENEMY OR PERISH! BEASTS TEACH ONLY THEIR FRIENDS!” But after 2,000 years it never got done! The godless beasts still disapproved! Result? These tremendous 13 words never got printed! Because the brilliant 48-year-young Rabbi Joshua Loth Liebman’s book Peace of Mind was distorted after he dropped dead! Diagnosis? “Sudden heart attack!” Exactly as suffered by Rabbi Jesus, Spinoza, Thomas Paine, Samuel Friedman, Steiner-Prag and Rabbi Leo Baeck: 6 & 66 million “sudden heart attacks,” murders caused by us godless intolerant Beasts.
Always we’re our Brother’s Teacher of hardworking full truth uniting One-God-State or we decay being his Keeper by unworkable half-true intolerant hate!
He who risks his life teaching friend & Enemy the Moral ABC uniting all mankind free wins Eternal Life! He who does less than that perishes by half-truth strife.
I am the Son of God and so are you! I am the manifestation of God’s Eternal Law & so are you! I have learned great wonders: you shall learn greater wonders! I have done good work! You shall do better work! I have not come to change God’s Law, but we each came to find-follow-fulfill, print-protect-practice-preach-teach & enjoy it! Therefore, build you 1st the Kingdom of God’s Eternal Law within you, that is, memorize the Essene Moral ABC of the Free, All-One-Faith-in-One-God-State! To never yield to half-true hate! And everything you need shall be added unto you! Search & you shall find! Knock & it shall be opened! Sow & you shall reap! Work hard & you shall create! Speak up - don’t be afraid! Ask & you shall receive! But remember, only those enjoy Eternal Life in our all-embracing Father’s Kingdom that had the courage to teach friend & Enemy the Moral ABC to unite all free! Eternally One, All-One! Exceptions? None! These are the great Peace-winning teachings of the Manual of Discipline by the carpenter, the great Rabbi Jesus! Thanks to Mohammed’s Arab 1948-found Essene Scrolls, thank only God for that! But now came unto Jesus, the Disciple; his own Sisters & Brothers to say, “It is insane what does he say! Let’s put him away!” And answered he to survive free:
“Who are my Sisters & my Brothers? Only those that seek with me to teach full truth, the Moral ABC uniting all mankind free in One-God-State! Free of half-true hate! Those are my Sisters & Brothers! Others I know not!” But now his Disciples asked, “Then why, why are we God-loving Children of the great African shepherd Israel persecuted more than any other people! Why? Why? Why?” And answered he:
“God bless the persecuted! They alone are His chosen people! For those apes that did not suffer from persecution remained apes! Only those that worked hard to overcome untold centuries of Barbaric ice-aged persecution, reluctantly became Human Beings! Much, much too reluctantly! Exceptions? Absolutely None!”
To stay free: Only that full truth we have the courage to teach & give & give, can we enjoy to keep, evolve & live & live! Whatever we try to give at our death bed or take along, it absolute certain soon is gone! Exceptions eternally? None!
Let him who is without fault throw the first stone, for only God is always perfect! Judge no man unless you have walked in his shoes! So when your fellow man you measure, take him at his best! With that lever lift him higher, overlook the rest! But remember, unless a man knows the Moral ABC of the Free, none can help him to survive brave-free!
Let him who does not want to work with his hands, not eat with his hands either!
Put Father’s discipline, put God’s Law back at the head of your family, or you have no family-nation-team! Remember, every organization is the shadow of one constructive man or there is no organization, no construction, no man!
Self-disciplined timing is the skeleton of your intellect, the key to freedom, the basis of happiness, the foundation of Brotherhood! Without it, the most brilliant head remains useless-ineffective-small!
From every power enchains, each man can only free himself as self-control he gains! Therefore, he who conquers himself, conquers more than he who conquers the largest city!
THE MORAL ABC, INTRODUCED BY KIPLING’S “IF” & SOAPMAKER BRONNER
If you can keep your head, when all about you are losing theirs & blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, or being hated, don’t give way to hating! And yet don’t look too good nor talk too wise: If you can dream—and not make dreams your master; If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the full truth that you have spoken, twisted by crooks to make a trap for fools; Or watch the things you have given your life to, broken, and yet stoop to build them up again with worn-out tools; If you can make one heap of all your winnings, and risk it at one turn of pitch or toss; And lose and start again at your beginnings and never breathe a word about your loss! If you can force your heart, your nerve, our sinew, to serve you long after they are gone, and so hold on although there is nothing left within you, except that voice which says to them: “Hold on! Hold on! “ If you can talk to crowds & keep your virtue; or walk with Kings—nor lose that common touch; If neither loving friend nor enemy can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much! Then, if you can work hard to teach each unforgiving minute the Moral ABC that unites all mankind free, come hell, hate, ban, you’ll enjoy God’s Spaceship Earth & do great work within it! And which is more you’l help unite the human race in Astronomy’s great All-One-God-Faith! For we’re All-One of None! Sure, they say: “East is East & West is West & never the twain shall meet!” But there is neither East nor West, nor border, breed nor birth once the Moral ABC unites all mankind free on God’s Spaceship Earth! Then, and only then, no matter how rough the trip, how charged with punishment the scroll, you are the captain of thy ship! The master of thy soul!
For who else but God gave man this sensors passion, love that can spark mere dust to life?! Beauty, in our Eternal father’s fashion, ecstasy—far above earthly greediness & strife! Poetry, uniting All-One, All-Brave, All-Life!
Who else but God can make love last, one trillion years of sweet eternities?! For when conquered after years of hardworking absolute cleanliness, toil, sweat, blood, love can strike like greased lightning sent by God to spark mere dust to intense blazing fire and create new love, faith-hope-guts-strength as only God inspires, create the unity of the human race in Astronomy’s Eternally Tremendous, All-One-God-Faith, as all mankind desires! Bronner’s Lavender Soap quart poem teaches ‘How to love’ uniting all-one above! Above! Who else but God!
1st: If I’m not for me, who am I? Nobody! 2nd: Yet, if I’m only for me, what am I? Nothing! 3rd: If not now, when???!!! Once more, unless constructive I work hard, perfecting first me, absolute nothing can help perfect me! Exceptions none!! 4th: Only hard work-God’s Law can save us, but if we teach only our clan, we’re all hated then! So Hillel taught Jesus, we must teach friend & enemy, the whole Human race, the full-truth, hard-work, free speech, press-&-profitsharing Moral ABC’s All-One-God-Faith, uniting the whole Human Race! For we’re All-One or None! As teach for 6,000 years the astronomers Abraham & Israel, since the year One! “LISTEN CHILDREN ETERNAL FATHER ETERNALLY ONE!!!” Exceptions Eternally? Absolute None!!!
To dream that impossible dream! To reach that unreachable star, ’til united All-One we are! To fight that unbeatable foe! To go where the brave dare not go! To right that unrightable wrong! To love pure-chaste from afar! To try when your arms are too weary to reach that unreachable star, ’til united All-One we are! For this is my goal: To reach that unreachable star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far! To fight for the Right without question or pause, to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause. For I know if I follow this glorious quest, that my heart will lay peaceful & calm when I’m laid to my rest. For I know that all will be better for this: that one man, tortured, blinded, covered with scars, still strove with his last ounce of courage, to reach that unreachable star, ’til united All-One we are!
God our Eternal Father, know of old, Lord over our far-flung human race, beneath whose Eternal law we hold dominion over land and space—Lord God of nations, unite us yet, by teaching Thy Law, the Essene Moral ABC of the free, lest we forget!
For foolish heart that puts its trust in man-made tube & iron sharp, all passing dust that builds on dust and guarding it, calls not You to guard, for frantic boast & foolish word-have mercy on Thy people, Lord! (A man and not a monkey! A man! A man!)
Love is like a willful bird! Do you want it? It flies away! Yet, when you least expect its bliss, it turns around and it’s here to stay! For centuries man struggles, half-asleep, half-living, small, jealous, bickering with mountains of red tape, to be awakened, the night God chose giving; His great reward for hard work; Poetry-Unity-Love, evolving man above the ape! Poetry-Unity-Ecstasy-Love, evolving man above, above, above the ape! For any ape can have 5 minutes of sex within; Only man, absolutely clean, reciting poetry, enjoys hours and hours of loving self-discipline! Co-in-ci-dent-ally and yet oh-so-slow, sweet kisses whisper softly into waiting ears, arousing heavenly flames, that enlighten, renew, brilliant fires, blazing through dark lonesome years! For who else but God gave man this sensuous passion, love that can spark mere dust to life?!
Passions that quicken your senses, fulfill quench the thirst of lonesome years! Yet, the sun has shadows: learn to control your will, to enjoy lifelong happiness, not tears!
Dr. Bronner’s was founded in 1948 by Emanuel Bronner, a third generation German-Jewish soap maker. He used the labels on his ecological soaps to spread his message that we must realize our transcendent unity across religious and ethnic divides or perish: “We are All-One or None!” The business continues to be run by his family.
From ’29 to ’44 soapmaker-master-chemist Bronner built 3 American Soap plants, trained 9 chemists, licensed 6 of 53 patents for $60,000! But after losing father-mother-wife, almost his own life, tortured-blinded, he deeded to African astronomer Israel’s 6,000 year great All-One-God-Faith all of his patents, plants, products, profits, 4 new industries: Planetemples & “Town Without Toothache” potassium-soda industry giving mankind a new Mineral-salt, Calcium-malt, Corn-sesame, Mineral-bouillon, & ‘Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soaps,’ All-One! In ’47, after father-mother-wife murdered, ourself tortured-blinded, we wrote this poem: To keep my health! To do my work! To love, to live! To see to it I gain & grow & give & give! Never to look behind me for an hour! Never to wait in weakness nor brag in power! Always working, searching, for more truth, more light! Always writing, teaching what I found good & right! Robbed-starved-beaten-blinded, wide astray! Back with the full-truth I’ve gained, back to the way: Smile, help teach the whole Human race, the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith, Lightning-like strong & we’re All-One! All One!
Developed & distributed by Dr. Bronner’s P.O. Box 1958, Vista, CA 92085 USA 1-844-937-2551 . www.drbronner.com
OREGON TILTH CERTIFIED ORGANIC
24M
LSTT32US2-04
32 FL OZ / 946 mL
WTF did I just read
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