I have a good group of friends and a reasonable sized family. I can’t wrap my head around these weddings with 100-300 guests. Am I a loser or are they inviting mostly tertiary characters.
Getting engaged was what made my fiancé have to come to terms with how phenomenally different we, and was the reason we eventually called it off and split. She had a big family, a huge professional network, and a massive social circle. I am completely estranged from my family, work in a small business where 95% of my shift is just me and while I like my coworkers, we’re not close. I’m sociable but I rarely make “friends”. My invite list was my dog and two buddies, enough to fill a best man (obviously my dog) and two groomsmen. It’s been a long time since that all transpired, but it still hurts a bit that what we thought was going to be a life defining moment and a foundation of the future ended up being the basis of recognizing “we are too different”.
200 might seem like a lot, but I can see it.
I actually got married last Saturday, we had about 120 guests.
Between close friends, family, people that you can’t see as often because they live far and the +1s (and in the case of a guest in a polycule +2s) it goes up pretty quickly.
From the top of my head, we had about 20 family members, 20 friends from work, 25 people from the LARP we organize, another 25 from the LARP we play at, 8 bridesmaid+groomsmen, then a handful of friends from our other social circles.
I guess it depends of your definition of tertiary character: not all people we see every week, but it doesn’t mean we wouldn’t like to if we had the time and it made any kind of sense in the realities of adult life.
My dad was a general contractor. The plumber he used was Italian, the woman he married was Italian. They had around 800 people at their wedding. The wedding cost about $150,000. And they walked away with about $20,000 extra in gifted money. They had 8 groomsmen and 8 bridesmaids.
No, you’re not a loser, just some people have life on easy mode.
This was about 25 years ago too.
Ok… I can understand that but… What does the plumber have to do with it? Was he “laying pipe”?
The plumber was the one getting hitched to the other Italian. A bit of ambiguous pronoun use there.
Oh, it was a general contractor marrying the plumber. That makes sense. I read it as 3 separate people.
My dad used an Italian plumber (a man), the Italian plumber was getting married to an Italian woman (the 3rd person in the story).
My dad is just the person who the Italian plumber and I both know.
My wife and I invited around 200 to our reception. I guess you could call it mostly “tertiary characters” (ugh, just typing that makes me feel like I’m falling into Main Character Syndrome).
We probably had around 30 friends (quick tally), then immediate family accounted for a dozen more, then extended relatives pushed us over 200. My mother and my paternal grandfather both came from larger families, so you get lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins that way. +1s definitely inflate that figure, too.
Am I super close with them all? No, but I was still happy to have them there. I generally like my extended family (fortunate in this day and age, I know!).
The size of families and the expectation of who gets invited varies a lot by culture, too.
Irish weddings are often big. Same for Mexican weddings, a lot of Arab folks.
I suspect Protestant Americans are outliers globally in the size of the average family and the degree of contact people maintain with cousins.
I worked with this Indian guy and a Indian woman. Both great great people and excellent at their jobs. We had a work outing(normally work ended around 5, we went to a restaurant with free food and 2 drink tickets starting at 3 and lasting till 6) and somehow we got talking about weddings, I think another women just got engaged. OH MY GOD, the weddings they talked about were insane. The guy didn’t walk up the aisle, no he wasn’t waiting up there for the bride, they literally rode live elephants down the aisle. Both of them said their weddings went for 3-4 days, plus honeymoon. Multiple performances by professionals including sword juggling, fire breathers, several live bands, etc. I don’t even know what else. Yeah they were engineers and made good salaries and their spouses were also professionals with good salaries but not like actors or ceos or anything. I have no idea how they managed to afford it but they said it was “expected” in their culture.
At least in my case, family. My family is really big and loves parties, his family is really big and loves parties. That quickly becomes a 250-300 person guest list.
That makes sense
💰+vanity+tertiary characters.
Fair
You invite the people you want to be there. That applies to both you and your soon to be spouse. It also applies to your parents if they’re paying (and sometimes even if they’re not). It’s also a great excuse to see people that you haven’t seen for a long long time.
It’s also extremely normal to invite family.
Now double the number because most of those people will bring a plus one, and add 20% cause that’s children that will come (unless you say no to kids which is becoming more popular).
Great, now your list of 20-30 people is over a hundred.
Of course you can have smaller weddings, but you will have to explain a lot to a lot of people, including family.
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To give an example, I invited my brother, my two sisters, my parents, and my grandparents to my wedding. I also invited some coworkers and friends, I think like 6-10 I can’t remember.
My wife had even fewer friends to invite. About the same size family. But her parents wanted to invite several people we had never ever met before.
We had 140 people. The numbers sound small up until the minute you start writing invites. Then you realize just how many people “have to come”.
My wife and I did a quick courthouse thing because I got a new job and she needed health insurance. The plan was to do an actual wedding of some kind a year or two later but COVID and a bunch of other stuff happened so it’s been on the back burner. I think we’re looking at a 10 year thing now, which is nice because it’s given us a lot of time to think about guest lists and such.
We have a pretty decent amount of friends we want to invite, I think we’re in the ballpark of around 30
Some of those are gonna have +1s, so that gets us up to around 50 or 60
Then we have parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and some of them have +1s, depending on the size and relationship you have with your family, that can make things balloon really quickly.
And if you’re able to budget for it, it can be advantageous to invite as many people as you can, money and other wedding gifts can add up pretty substantially. That’s not a major factor in our guest list, but for a young couple, maybe looking to buy a house and have kids or whatever, that can be huge.
Say you get married young, early 20s, you may have less accumulated friends.
By the time you are early 30s you will have probably accumulated more.
Friends from uni / college, work places, hobbies etc.
How many of these people invited you to their weddings? Usually fair that you reciprocate.
That’s how you end up with long guest lists.
I’m the opposite. Lots and lots of friends in my early 20s, almost none now
Yeah if id gotten married around 28-34 like most people who’s weddings I either attended or was in then I could easily get 200 when including family friends.
My mom got jokingly mad at me for not getting married at the time because the unwritten understanding is that wedding gifts are a kind of a communal form of mutual aid. Everybody in the community gives gifts wedding gifts so the couple has a leg up to start out, she paid in to that but until my brother got married wasn’t getting anything back lol
100 is pretty easy to get to. I have 60 people on one side of my family alone. But for an average person, let’s do a count. You’ve got say 8 immediate family members, including their partners. Your partner does too. Your dad’s side has 10 people you want to invite. That’s only two families of 5, so that’s a low estimate for a lot of people. Your mom’s side has two families of 5 you want to invite. Now your partner has the same. Lets keep it small and invite only 10 of your friends, so 20 with their partners. Your partner wants 10 friends as well. You are now at 96 people.
That’s your immediate families, 10 relatives from each side, and 10 friends for you and 10 friends for your partner only.
My bf knows a ridiculous number of people. But he’s a pretty outgoing and super friendly guy who loves to party. 🤷♂️
I had a coworker whose father was one of the owners of the company. Invited the whole office + their spouses, plus both extended families (and these were Catholic families, so big families), as well as a few coworkers from other offices. Flew in bishop to perform the ceremony, too. Really shelled put for that.
The sliding scales of inviting all the people you want to have there and avoiding people getting pissed off if they don’t get an invite (or similar political reasons) are only limited by the financial means available.
100 is a relatively easy target to reach for most people. Family and friends and their +1’s and children gets you there pretty quick.
Yeah everyone having a +1 is something I wasn’t considering
I got lucky in a sense: planned for 50, number kept ballooning, but then oh no, covid restrictions, we get exactly 12 people in the room! Goodbye 3rd cousin by marriage who’d be all pissy if they weren’t invited.
Self righteous, ignorant fucks. That mentality will never change.
