I don’t really know who to talk to right now and posting here seems a good idea.
So, like the title says, I think my marriage is over. For context: Me (F42) and my wife have been married for 9 years. We got married not even a year into our relationship and I had no idea back then that I had ADHD. Did we get married too soon? Yes and no. The problems didn’t really start until around year 5, so even if we had gotten married after, say, three years, the outcome would have been the same.
Around two and a half years ago my wife suggested that I may have ADHD after things had started getting worse and worse. But although I was open to the idea it took me a year to get off my butt and get diagnosed and start treatment. Precious time that I wasted.
Now I’ve been on meds for a year and in therapy for around 9 months. Some things have gotten better but the core problem remains: My wife feels responsible for everything, is shouldering pretty much all the mental load and I seem to be unable to become the reliable adult partner that she needs. ADHD or the way I handle it has completely eroded our marriage and the love we had between us. My wife feels exhausted and trapped and I feel helpless because I feel like I maybe moved up a level or two in my “adulting skills” but I’d need to be a Level 10 to make our marriage work. Or make any marriage work, for that matter.
I feel extremely sad. I feel sad about the suffering I have caused my wife, who really tried to stick it out. Probably longer than she should have for her own good. Sad because I’ve been trying really hard and I see some people who have ADHD but who also seem to have an “overachiever personality” and they have their shit together so much more than I do. Sad because I wasted a whole year doing nothing. Sad because we used to be so happy together and used to love each other so much and now all that seems to be left is bitterness and resentment.
😢
Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who has has already commented and shared kind words with me.
My wife and I have been going over this many many times. I know what she needs and I am trying and a feel fucking sad about the fact that, maybe, we just can’t make it work. But I also realize I’m starting to reach a point where being on my own is beginning to sound liberating. I’ve never had a problem with being single and I feel like at least then there isn’t anyone I can disappoint anymore. It’s just me and if I fuck up the only person having to face the consequences is me.
I just feel really bad because I feel I have cost my wife so much. She would have wanted to have kids and I’ve always been on the fence about it. I used to absolutely not want to have kids when we met, then kinda came around to the idea (when you’re super in love it does become a kinda wonderful idea) but then gradually starting feeling more and more uncertain. And now I’m at a point where, regardless of whether or not I want to have kids (I don’t have a desire to have them but could imagine having them) I don’t think I’m capable of raising kids. If we had broken up sooner my wife might have had a better chance at having kids with someone else.
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been feeling awful myself. I feel like I’m under constant pressure because I want to “prove myself” and the more I worry about fucking up the more tense I get. The best moment of the day is when I go to bed because then I don’t have to do anything for the next 8 hours, just rest and sleep. Can’t mistakey if not awakey :P
And our relationship has been deteriorating for so long and we’ve both become so fed up with each other. My wife is fed up with me because I’m not who she needs me to be and I’m fed up with her because I feel like even if I try to manage something myself, take care of something myself, I don’t do it the right way. Sometimes it really isn’t (last week I almost set the oven on fire) but sometimes it’s just a minor thing.
Maybe, as sad as it is, we’re better off apart and would be happier on own own / with someone else.
Check out the Fever app for local date night ideas. I have found a few fun things like candlelight music, dining in the dark, escape rooms, etc.
Check out Everout for local things like comedy shows, book readings, events, night markets, and other things to do that sound interesting to you. Actually commit to going to one.
Write notes. It sounds corny, but it takes 5 minutes and means a lot, even if you’re a rambling mess. Tell her how much she means to you in physical writing.
Find a new meal recipe that sounds good to you. Make the food, get some wine, and ask her about something she is interested in. Listen attentively, and ask questions.
I struggle with ADHD as well. I am always thinking about something else. I am not an extrovert. These ideas are things you can do with your partner, or any new partner/friend. When it comes to whether you should separate, that’s something only you can decide. If you want to make it work, it does take effort - a relationship is a two way street, or a dance you can’t do apart.
Thank you, these are great ideas :) <3
I’m sorry to hear you’re in your position. Failing marriages are always awful, and when it’s caused by disability it can be that much more uncomfortable.
And I’ll say that, I relate a lot more to you in this situation. I could never marry someone who needs me to function like I don’t have adhd, which is why I married someone who’s more like us. I knew what I was getting into and so did she and the loads we share are built on the reasonable expectations we always had, like that things won’t always be as clean as we might like them to be and that dinner plans are subject to how much effort we have the capacity to put in at the time.
Keep working on your mental health, and show yourself kindness and forgiveness. Not only do you deserve such things, they’re also the most effective tools you can get to help you improve your ability to function outside of pharmaceuticals
Thank you <3 I don’t think my wife necessarily wants me to function like I don’t have adhd but I still often have a shitty way of handling it when I fuck up.
Yeah reading your comments in here, idk how you wouldn’t. You sound like you have deep seated self esteem issues especially pertaining to your adhd. I’d even hazard a guess and say you likely have trauma relating to it and how people have responded to it in you. You aren’t alone in this, and I’m calling it out because I’ve struggled with both of these things my entire adult life.
So believe me when I assure you that you cannot resent yourself enough to be better. If it worked it would have worked by now. ADHD is tricky, and you have to learn to be cunning towards it. Charging at the executive dysfunction head on just results in tiring yourself out and resenting yourself further because you couldn’t do what neutotypicals can.
You have a disability, and from the sounds of it you’ve gone a long time without getting much support for it. You’ll probably never function as well as neurotypicals would like, and some of the tasks you’ve described are ones that I struggle with too (my wife and I will ask each other to remind us to do a thing for a 20% chance either remembers). But there is hope for you as a functioning adult and even hope for you to have a happy and mutually satisfying marriage, whether or not your current marriage can be salvaged. But it begins with you pursuing treatment, help, and new strategies not because your wife deserves or needs it, but because you deserve the ability to function better.
Yeah, I’ve been suffering from depression for around 1,5 years and am currently on antidepressants in addition to my adhd meds. Looking back on my life I can see how ADHD has always been there but I also think that my interpersonal relationships suffered as badly as they could have. I think I was often lucky. For example, I lost my first “proper job” because I kept forgetting important things. But regardless of that my boss liked me on a personal level, suggested that this job just wasn’t for me and when I got a job at the same place but a different department we still got along great.
But my relationship with my wife had only been my second proper relationship and my first true long-term relationship and I feel like my ADHD was a ticking timebomb and when it went off it shattered everything.
Maybe couples therapy is a better investment than therapy for you individually.
Not adulting enough: is the issue that you are not working or that she doesn’t feel you are carrying your part of the domestic work?
The issue is that I’m bad at “the mental load”. Keeping things in mind, being aware of stuff that needs to be taken care of and taking care of it before it’s too late.
For example, I do the dishes, I vacuum, take out the trash, no problem. But when there’s mold starting to grow between the tiles in the bathroom I probably won’t notice it for a long time and, once I do notice it, ignore it :P
Or, it took me over a year to finally get rid of our broken washing machine. My wife has asked me to take care of it and I said I would but then months passed and nothing happened.
This hits really close to home. Am going through my own divorce right now and my ADHD is a major contributing factor to the breakdown of our relationship.
I don’t know about your situation, but my wife has too much of her own trauma to deal with my bullshit (and I say that knowing everyone has their own flavor of bullshit). She grew more and more discontent, and her trauma responses in particular were not a good fit for my ADHD
The “mental load” issue is hard for us, because a lot of the time we just need help learning or noticing. When you start collaborating on those things early it keeps the stress from reaching critical levels. But if the stress has already built up, it seems almost impossible for us to carry enough of the load on our own to bring it back down
I would ask my wife for accommodations like “if the laundry needs doing, leave the hamper in the hallway where I’ll see it every time I walk by”. Or “let’s do the dishes together, or even just body-double for me, because doing stuff as a team is motivating for me and gets it done immediately.” But by the time we realized what I needed, she was already too stressed out to see that as anything but “taking care of me” or “being a mom.” It hurt like hell to now what I needed and have a partner who was unwilling or unable to provide it.
As the issues grew, our intimacy declined, which made me way, way worse and feel like the woman who already struggled to speak in my love language (unrelated to the ADHD stuff) couldn’t provide what I needed anymore either.
I don’t mean to trauma-dump, just commiserate. I feel your pain on this, deeply. I think people like us need someone to understand what they’re getting into up-front so we can do the work together that keeps it from becoming a serious problem :(
Wow, what you wrote hit really close to home as well.
My wife had a very difficult childhood and unfortunately me having ADHD not being attentive enough triggers her personal trauma. We are a perfect match in many ways but in this aspect we are a terrible combination, our personal histories make everything so much harder.
Thank you so much for your words and I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard thing yourself <3
Did your wife do the thing where they feel “if I have to help at all I might add well do it myself. If I’m not resting, it’s no different than just doing it”? That was a huge problem for us because doing things by myself is the problem.
I set alarms and/or calendar reminders as a coping mechanism. I don’t always do the thing when the time comes but it at least gets forced back into my head over and over again until I eventually do it. My life has gone a lot smoother since I started doing this.
I think that’s a problem in many relationships, romantic or professional. Saying that you will do something and not doing it is terrible (sorry, you and your wife is right). Putting it in the calendar is the way as someone said. First put in an hour where you can figure out the steps (does it fit in the car, do I need one of those wheelie things, where can I get rid of it) and then schedule the actual getting rid of it and any steps before that. Break shit down. Use an LLM if it helps you. Making a detailed plan is good because then you can’t ponder it any more (trying to figure out the best way of doing something has stopped many a person from doing anything). Calendar items means that it’s more important than anything else you might be doing at that time (like vacuuming or whatever).
It’s the DO IT. DO IT NOW coping strategy where you do anything you notice / realise needs doing if it takes less than five minutes - with the extension that it takes less than five minutes to put things into a calendar.
Thank you so much :) I have in fact started to set reminders and alarms for things I need to do and it works well. My problem is rather to become aware of things that will need to be taken care of soon or being attentive enough to notice when something needs to be done, you know?
My now wife has ADHD, and I definitely feel like I take on nearly all responsibilities. It is exhausting and frustrating to no end.
I’m sorry to hear that. Having ADHD is a struggle but being the partner of someone with ADHD is extremely exhausting as well. I think there should be support groups for partners of ADHD-people.
If the problems started 5 years in the relationship, it sounds more that you guys grew apart. Your ADHD might be a factor in that, but it can’t be the only thing, since no one suddenly develops ADHD at the age of 38. Doing the math it also seems the problems started during Covid, so maybe that’s another factor? It was a rough time for everyone. Anyway, I wish you all the best and don’t beat yourself up too much.
Mentioning covid is actually spot on for me. I can only speak of my experience, but I seriously doubt my experience with ADHD becoming dramatically worse during covid lockdown and never really recovering is unique to me.
Our problems actually did start during Covid but I don’t think the pandemic / the lockdown had anything to do with it. But that was when we moved to a new apartment for the second time and my wife started to realize that she was the one taking care of everything.
We definitely also grew apart. I have been really bad at keeping the relationship alive. Like, in the 10 years we’ve been together, I’ve been able to maybe arrange a handful of date nights. I never initiate doing anything fun, like a surprise weekend trip or a special date night, because I’m so bad at planning and arranging things.
I think that at the beginning my wife ignored some of the ADHD red flags that were definitely already there because we were so in love. When we moved to a different city two years into our relationship she took care of everything but it wasn’t an issue then. Eventually she realized that she was taking care of everything all the time.
What are you referring to when you say she takes care of everything? Are you unable to hold down a job, do you participate in household chores, do you engage with her and your friends, etc. Things like finding an apartment and arranging date nights are either one time tasks or not terribly consequential. I’m not saying there’s nothing for you to work on here but the things I’ve specifically seen you describe don’t sound like huge deals unless someone is looking to make them one.
As an example, my wife is usually pretty indecisive when it comes to planning unimportant things like date nights so I generally pick where we go and what we do. I could choose to interpret that as her forcing me to “take care of everything” but why would I choose to frame things in such a way that they make her seem useless? I noticed that she does not enjoy, or for whatever reason is not good at, planning those kinds of things so I step up and handle them for both of us. I view it as an act of service for someone that I love, not as an obstacle to my own happiness. As long as both people are looking to help in their own way then all that’s needed to maintain the system is a generous interpretation of your partners actions. I would hope that attitude would be even more prevalent in our relationship if she had a medical condition that prevented her from doing some of those things, rather than just a personal preference. That’s how relationships are supposed to work imo.
So much of relationships comes down to how we’ve conditioned ourselves to think about them. I get the impression that both of you are stuck in the idea that everything is your fault and my experience says that things are never that simple when both partners are decent people, which it sounds like is the case for you. It’s theoretically possible but incredibly unlikely. Again, that doesn’t mean that there’s no work for you to do to improve things. All I’m saying is that from the limited information I have about the situation it seems to me that her tendency to blame all of your relationship problems on you is just as much a factor in your perceived struggles as your ADHD. Maybe I’m way off base here but it’s something to consider at least.
I have a job, and fortunately one that I’m actually really good at. I participate in chores but the problem is more like… being aware of “the bigger picture”, so to speak. Like, when we’re looking for / moving into a new apartment: All the things that will need to be done in the process and doing them in time. Thinking and planning ahead.
That makes sense. I can see why that could be frustrating for her but it still seems like a workable problem if you are both interested in doing so. Her choosing to frame it like an unfair circumstance you’re forcing her into instead of a way for her to care for you or even as an area to improve on together is a big part of the issue though. You’ll never be happy in a relationship if you can’t love people in spite of their flaws. Fairness is a pleasant ideal but it only works in theory.
Someone already mentioned couples therapy, but I want to reinforce that. Yes, there are ADHD coping skills that you are personally working on. But if you’re both interested in improving your relationship, there are things that you can work on together (and many of them won’t be ADHD-related).
When you’re looking for a couples therapist, if you can find one that’s experienced with ADHD, that might be helpful.
One last thought. Sometimes when we have ADHD, we have some internalized ableism. I see some of that in your post: “took me a year to get off my butt,” “I wasted a whole year doing nothing.” Both of those statements imply you were “lazy.” Executive dysfunction can make simple tasks much harder. ADHD people often struggle with medical care. Things like finding a doctor, setting appointments (showing up on-time to an appointment), and getting prescriptions refilled can be huge hurdles. The key is to find systems and supports to help you handle those challenges.
Yeah I agree. There are things I need to personally work on but our relationship has been damaged so much, if (and that’s a big if) there’s still hope for a future together I think we will definitely need couples therapy to get us back to a place of mutual trust and joy.
Even if couples counseling doesn’t save your marriage, it could be the difference between a kind and loving break and an angry and resentful one. I definitely recommend it and regular counseling if you can.
Don’t make yourself feel that kind of guilt man. Relationships are complex as hell and change over time. Sometimes people have expectations that they aren’t communicating well, and sometimes people have expectations that aren’t really reasonable. I’m seeing you placing a lot of blame at your own feet, but the nature of a disease is that it is something you cannot control. If you are working on it then that is all you can do and I applaud you for that. And I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles and I hope they ease up for you soon
Thank you for your kind words <3 <3 <3
I worry that my wife will feel she’s having to be a parent to me more than a partner, I bring it up when I’m feeling like I’ve put a lot on her shoulders and we have good communication.
One thing she said really helped her understand was the book “Is it you, me, or ADHD?” Specifically, there’s a line in there that essentially says asking a person with ADHD to focus better is like asking someone to take off their glasses and just see better.
From experience, when there’s problems in a relationship, it’s hard to be positive and the more you tiptoe around the person or argue the easier it becomes to fall into that void and soon it’s just a snake eating its own tail, no matter how much love you have for the other person. It’s very hard to break that cycle and keep up the energy.
As for becoming more of an adult, habits are huge for me so creating ones that will work for you is the place to start. The hardest thing for me to break was being sure I’d remember a thing this time! Now, if I have something to remember later, I grab my phone and type it into a note app. Then when I remember I’m forgetting something, I know to check my notes. Or, the other big one, asking Google to remind me of things. “Hey Google, remind me at 3pm tomorrow that I need to call the doctor” and then I put it out of my mind until the notification pops up on my phone the next day and I remember to thank past me for making things easier for present me.
And now the hardest bit I have: being in a relationship where you’re taking care of the person is hard. I was in one back in my youth and as soon as I knew the person was going to be ok I knew I was done. I spent so much time making sure they were ok that when they were I realized there was nothing left for me in it. I think it’s ok to ask that question, no out of anger but from maturity. Sometimes drama is attractive and could be a reason someone stays. Objectively, do either of you feel the need to go on? Of you weren’t married do either of you feel like you would shake hands and walk away? Don’t get stuck in an emotional sunk cost fallacy, neither of you deserve that.
Good luck.
Have you told her this, just like you have here?
Yes, we’ve talked about this many times. She knows I’ve been trying but she needs be to become more responsible, reliable and “more of an adult” than I seem able to. And she blames me, rightfully so, for wasting a whole year doing nothing.
Your waiting a year is the type of behavior that defines ADHD. She is blaming you for your disorder.
Yes, we need to work around our ADHD like someone with a physical disability needs to work around theirs. But someone without ADHD is going to struggle to understand that it is constant work just to function sometimes and there are limits.
Came here to say this.
It’s an Executive Function Disorder.
Task Initiation is an Executive Function that is impacted by ADHD.
I know some of my friends don’t understand how I can have all my ducks in a row, the task is simple the consequences for not doing it are severe, and yet I don’t just do it. It just doesn’t make sense to them.
You are an adult. There’s no “more” about it. Everyone is just making everything up, just like you.
I feel like there are no bad guys here. Are you on meds yet? That helped my kids. I do sympathize most with your wife - you are going to have to do a lot of the stuff she’s doing for you now if you break up, so I can understand she is frustrated you won’t do it.
We divide labor in my house. Husband is more tight about cleaning, he doesn’t want mess. I don’t care as much, I do clean up but not in an organized way and certainly not to his standards. He does what he can, but importantly - we also have a cleaning lady come every second week because I know my limitations and it’s not fair to push all the cleaning off onto husband. He doesn’t cook, I do that, the gardening, the finances & tech stuff (cleaning up takes as much time as all of that together I think and I value so much not having to do as much of it) and we both work full time. Some stuff we put on auto-ship so neither of us have the mental load. Dog food, flea medicine, toilet paper, medicines. Anything where it can come at a regular frequency. He writes a lot of post it notes too & phone reminders - if you aren’t good at remembering, use timers and notes.
I know you are posting mostly to vent, and might not want suggestions so please just take this as it’s meant, some thoughts because your post resonates with me. I am sorry y’all are going through this, both of you.
Thank you, I appreciate your suggestions :) I’m on meds, yes, and I think it has helped a bit but not as much as I had hoped it would.
It’s hard to lose a relationship, it’s even harder when you realise that you could have done better, but we are all growing and learning at our own pace and it is rarely beneficial to fault ourselves for not being better at a time that we did our best.
I am sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you can see that as hard as it is, you shouldn’t blame yourself for not having the skills that others have when you had struggles that others never did.
Thank you so much <3
Couples counseling, do it. Worst case scenario things still don’t work out and you divorce with the knowledge that you sincerely tried to repair things. Also you will have learned and grown from the experience. Best case scenario you both work through some difficult things with help and started repairing the relationship.
My guess is that both of you are exhausted. It is really hard to have optimism when don’t even have the energy for things you enjoy.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. This is rough and I hope you and your wife both find a way through this.
Some thoughts from an internet stranger:
-
Your ADHD is not your fault. You mentioned not doing anything about it for around a year: please remember that ADHD affects your executive function. Maybe you feel like you could have done something earlier, but that’s part of the cruelty of executive dysfunction: we rationalise the inactivity (“I was lazy”, “I couldn’t be bothered”, etc.) because that’s easier to understand than accepting that for whatever reason your brain just couldn’t go there. You’re doing something now and that’s what matters.
-
Just because your relationship feels like it’s not good now, that doesn’t mean it can’t improve. It sounds like both of you are carrying a lot, and maybe for now the right thing is having space from each other. That’s sad, and feeling those feelings is valid and important. But that doesn’t mean the story is over for the both of you. Some other people here have mentioned couples therapy, and if that’s something you’re both interested in I’d also like to join in with recommending that.
Thank you so much, I appreciate it!
Yeah, I… I try to remind myself that I can’t change the past. I should have done something sooner but also I have ADHD and I don’t mean it as an excuse but that’s the whole problem with ADHD.
We definitely need space from each other right now and… I don’t know, I’m both incredibly sad but also if we really can’t make each other happy anymore than that’s a fact I need to accept.
-
I wish you the best <3
I also wanna say that I there’s overachievers but only on very narrow disciplines. On average, no one has their shit together and the more people look like it, the less they do. I hope you continue to learn about yourself and become happy again.
I strongly agree with the suggestion to do couples counseling. ADHD is a sonofabitch that makes us work twice as hard just to get half a far as someone without ADHD. There’s legitimately only so much we can do, despite our strong feelings of having the squandered opportunity to do more. NT people will never be able to understand what it’s like to have ADHD, just like we’ll never be able to understand what it’s like to be NT. A good therapist should help to bridge that gap.
And I sympathize with you greatly. I’ve had many relationships of all different sorts suddenly implode because of my ADHD throughout life. I hate that helpless black-hole feeling. I’m extremely lucky in the fact that my wife also has ADHD, but I definitely still feel that extremely uncomfortable strain at times. A thing that has helped me is to recognize that those relationships have never truly ended while I still carry the memories and the way they’ve changed me. It still hurts like a motherfucker, but it hurts less.
I know it hurts a whole lot as I can’t keep myself from legitimately crying right now just remembering how I can relate, but I hope that helps to let you know that you’re not alone. Keep fighting the good fight and I’ll try to do the same.
Thank you so much <3
Yes, in the end I’m thinking: It’s better to be apart than to keep making each other miserable. I want my wife to be happy and if she can’t be happy with me then I truly want her to be happy with someone else.
All the best and much love to you <3
