I don’t really know who to talk to right now and posting here seems a good idea.
So, like the title says, I think my marriage is over. For context: Me (F42) and my wife have been married for 9 years. We got married not even a year into our relationship and I had no idea back then that I had ADHD. Did we get married too soon? Yes and no. The problems didn’t really start until around year 5, so even if we had gotten married after, say, three years, the outcome would have been the same.
Around two and a half years ago my wife suggested that I may have ADHD after things had started getting worse and worse. But although I was open to the idea it took me a year to get off my butt and get diagnosed and start treatment. Precious time that I wasted.
Now I’ve been on meds for a year and in therapy for around 9 months. Some things have gotten better but the core problem remains: My wife feels responsible for everything, is shouldering pretty much all the mental load and I seem to be unable to become the reliable adult partner that she needs. ADHD or the way I handle it has completely eroded our marriage and the love we had between us. My wife feels exhausted and trapped and I feel helpless because I feel like I maybe moved up a level or two in my “adulting skills” but I’d need to be a Level 10 to make our marriage work. Or make any marriage work, for that matter.
I feel extremely sad. I feel sad about the suffering I have caused my wife, who really tried to stick it out. Probably longer than she should have for her own good. Sad because I’ve been trying really hard and I see some people who have ADHD but who also seem to have an “overachiever personality” and they have their shit together so much more than I do. Sad because I wasted a whole year doing nothing. Sad because we used to be so happy together and used to love each other so much and now all that seems to be left is bitterness and resentment.
😢
Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who has has already commented and shared kind words with me.
My wife and I have been going over this many many times. I know what she needs and I am trying and a feel fucking sad about the fact that, maybe, we just can’t make it work. But I also realize I’m starting to reach a point where being on my own is beginning to sound liberating. I’ve never had a problem with being single and I feel like at least then there isn’t anyone I can disappoint anymore. It’s just me and if I fuck up the only person having to face the consequences is me.
I just feel really bad because I feel I have cost my wife so much. She would have wanted to have kids and I’ve always been on the fence about it. I used to absolutely not want to have kids when we met, then kinda came around to the idea (when you’re super in love it does become a kinda wonderful idea) but then gradually starting feeling more and more uncertain. And now I’m at a point where, regardless of whether or not I want to have kids (I don’t have a desire to have them but could imagine having them) I don’t think I’m capable of raising kids. If we had broken up sooner my wife might have had a better chance at having kids with someone else.
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been feeling awful myself. I feel like I’m under constant pressure because I want to “prove myself” and the more I worry about fucking up the more tense I get. The best moment of the day is when I go to bed because then I don’t have to do anything for the next 8 hours, just rest and sleep. Can’t mistakey if not awakey :P
And our relationship has been deteriorating for so long and we’ve both become so fed up with each other. My wife is fed up with me because I’m not who she needs me to be and I’m fed up with her because I feel like even if I try to manage something myself, take care of something myself, I don’t do it the right way. Sometimes it really isn’t (last week I almost set the oven on fire) but sometimes it’s just a minor thing.
Maybe, as sad as it is, we’re better off apart and would be happier on own own / with someone else.
I’m sorry to hear you’re in your position. Failing marriages are always awful, and when it’s caused by disability it can be that much more uncomfortable.
And I’ll say that, I relate a lot more to you in this situation. I could never marry someone who needs me to function like I don’t have adhd, which is why I married someone who’s more like us. I knew what I was getting into and so did she and the loads we share are built on the reasonable expectations we always had, like that things won’t always be as clean as we might like them to be and that dinner plans are subject to how much effort we have the capacity to put in at the time.
Keep working on your mental health, and show yourself kindness and forgiveness. Not only do you deserve such things, they’re also the most effective tools you can get to help you improve your ability to function outside of pharmaceuticals
Thank you <3 I don’t think my wife necessarily wants me to function like I don’t have adhd but I still often have a shitty way of handling it when I fuck up.
Yeah reading your comments in here, idk how you wouldn’t. You sound like you have deep seated self esteem issues especially pertaining to your adhd. I’d even hazard a guess and say you likely have trauma relating to it and how people have responded to it in you. You aren’t alone in this, and I’m calling it out because I’ve struggled with both of these things my entire adult life.
So believe me when I assure you that you cannot resent yourself enough to be better. If it worked it would have worked by now. ADHD is tricky, and you have to learn to be cunning towards it. Charging at the executive dysfunction head on just results in tiring yourself out and resenting yourself further because you couldn’t do what neutotypicals can.
You have a disability, and from the sounds of it you’ve gone a long time without getting much support for it. You’ll probably never function as well as neurotypicals would like, and some of the tasks you’ve described are ones that I struggle with too (my wife and I will ask each other to remind us to do a thing for a 20% chance either remembers). But there is hope for you as a functioning adult and even hope for you to have a happy and mutually satisfying marriage, whether or not your current marriage can be salvaged. But it begins with you pursuing treatment, help, and new strategies not because your wife deserves or needs it, but because you deserve the ability to function better.
Yeah, I’ve been suffering from depression for around 1,5 years and am currently on antidepressants in addition to my adhd meds. Looking back on my life I can see how ADHD has always been there but I also think that my interpersonal relationships suffered as badly as they could have. I think I was often lucky. For example, I lost my first “proper job” because I kept forgetting important things. But regardless of that my boss liked me on a personal level, suggested that this job just wasn’t for me and when I got a job at the same place but a different department we still got along great.
But my relationship with my wife had only been my second proper relationship and my first true long-term relationship and I feel like my ADHD was a ticking timebomb and when it went off it shattered everything.