There’s this guy in my neighbourhood who apparently I find very attractive 😂 I didn’t realize that until recently, I always avoided him until one day I had to talk to him and I turned red and started smiling like an idiot.
This happened twice and both times, when I got home, I started crying… not because of what happened, but it felt as if I was losing something??
All I know about this “reaction” is that this guy isn’t my usual type, I just find him physically attractive and when I get home I cry and think about those guys I actually felt a lot for (mostly platonically) and it hurts 🤕 wtf
And today I was almost telling myself to “stay on track”??? Like thinking about the others and thinking “that’s the life you want, that’s what would make you happy” and just wishing this didn’t have such an effect on me.
I see others saying this too: why do you need to “stay in your lane?”
Everyone and everything possible is possible for YOU. Perhaps you are crying in mourning for the feeling of not being able to consider alternatives to what you “allow” yourself?
Beautiful :) But when crying I cry for the other guys, this one just triggers it
I myself have been ridiculously attracted to women who have the same energy as my mother, but it’s extremely bad for me because she was very abusive and that same energy is basically an indicator of mental illness.
Is it something like this? A part of you realizes this physical attraction is a path to suffering?
This has been on my mind!
I’m sorry about your mom. I’m afraid something similar happens to me too, but more with friends. I’m getting out of it, I hope you’re doing well too 💓 put feeling good and happy first.
Thinking about the guy, Let’s say that he seems a bit superficial to me, FOR NOW. Many good qualities too though.
I know this he could be very different, but still I feel as if there’s something telling about this. I myself am not the way I could be and want to be (talking about values, what I stand for, the person I want to be in this world).
He seems to live in a bubble (could turn out I’m wrong, again) or just doesn’t show those characteristics that say “open minded, free spirit” or whatever. And that would be limiting to me. And I don’t want that in my life anymore, cause it’s always little things but then a few years go by and you’re stuck and you relationships start deteriorating.
Thanks for your kind words.
To me it kinda sounds like you’re evaluating this guy in your head, like it’s a logic puzzle or essay question.
How does your gut feel about him? Just reading between the lines, I’m sensing a disconnect between your conscious and subconscious here. Do you do any practices to cultivate bodily awareness, such as meditation, yoga, spontaneous dance, anything like that?
The best advice I got, for escaping the problem of being attracted to women who were really bad for me, came from a psychotherapist. He said “You need to create an alliance with your subconscious mind”
I was able to do so, and the deal is basically:
- I listen to and act on the information my subconscious sends me, even when I don’t consciously understand why it’s demanding some particular thing
- It provides me with steady motivation and healthy cravings
I don’t know how to interpret my gut…
I listen to and act on the information my subconscious sends me, even when I don’t consciously understand why it’s demanding some particular thing
Like what for example? I mean, how do you understand what it’s demanding? Cause in my case I really don’t know… I do feel that he’s a good guy for example, but I always feel the urge to avoid him. He intimidates me a bit, but not in a bad way.
Perhaps you secretly know you’ll end up with a guy much like this one, and are therefore crying for the others…
It’s starting to get trippy. But how can I possibly know that, what do you mean exactly? That I actually prefer him?
What I meant was (and I was being a little humorous) that your normal type is the one you’d rationally want to like intellectually and emotionally and this dude is the one you.are physically attracted to. I was thinking you were crying over the men you wanted to be similarly physically attracted to and the strong emotional reaction was a result of your surprise at how intense the physical attraction could be.
It’s OK to have more than one type and be attracted to different people for different reasons. I think you have just discovered a new aspect of your own preferences and are trying to reconcile them.
My best guess is the primitive part of your brain (which is attracted to this guy) is fighting your rational part which says you’d be better off long term spending your energy on the other guys. Brain doesn’t like cognitive dissonance
But it’s really just a guess
Are you conflicted about finding someone you rationality don’t find attracted to, attractive? Does it feel like you’d loose your life as you currently know it, should you end up in a relationship with them because they’re so different, resulting in you loosing those other people you refer to?
You sound like you understand the differences between both people well so that’s good. Our hormones are crazy things that throw all sorts of emtions at us! Maybe try to see this as an exercise in finding/securing what you want in life, what people etc. You clearly see this other person as not your type ultimately, but they still have that ‘thing’ that makes you a bit giddy! Enjoy it for its silliness, safe that you know you’re highly unlikely to actually choose them! :)
Why do you wish that this didn’t have such an effect on you? I wonder less about your reaction and more about the story you’re telling yourself about that reaction, such as “it’s not OK for me to react this way”.
Well crying whenever I bump into him? He’s triggering something and I wanna know what
I see. Thanks for answering. I can absolutely understand feeling confused when you don’t understand your own reaction/behavior.
Often, this kind of intuitive reaction comes from some conditioning from your childhood. Somebody taught you “the right way to be” or “the right way to think” and even though you don’t need that any more, you’ve lived with it for such a long time that you’re following it without realizing that that’s what’s happening.
Maybe that’s already enough for you to identify the cause: can you hear a voice from your past when you start crying? Can you already identify a person who might have taught you why you should be or must not be attracted to this kind of guy? Either you’re feeling something you were taught not to or not feelings something that they expect you to.
If you can’t put your finger on it, then you might need to spend some time just letting your mind wander about it. Who taught me to want this kind of guy? Who taught me never to want this kind of guy? It might take time, but an idea or a memory might suddenly come to you, just by contemplating these questions.
If that doesn’t work, then you might need to talk the question through with someone, such as a trusted friend or even a therapist. Sometimes having another person around when you think about this makes me say things out loud that I find easy to push away when I’m alone.
And, of course, all this advice is based on the idea that you’re confused by how you’re reacting, and that understanding your reaction is important to you. Otherwise, it might be a giant waste of energy. That’s why I asked.
Peace.
Thank you! this is really good advice :)
i used to do that. it took me decades to learn that it came from a place of low self esteem combined with envy and the inability to admit to myself that i didn’t want to find those men attractive simply because the were conventionally beautiful while i felt that i wasn’t.
30 years later i’m still struggle with these feelings from time to time so i don’t have an answer for you; but i can tell you that seeking out therapy has considerably diminished both the intensity and frequency of them.
Congrats, you just experienced love!
You misspelled lust.
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Primal love
Are you biologically female and cis? You guys have attraction for 2 types of guys, the long term, dependable type, and the physically attractive “stud” kind of guy. Obviously best combined in one person, I’m just talking about types of attraction.
But of course it’s hard to be such a “perfect specimen” and combine both types in one. Most men lean/optimize more the one direction than the other.
Now it’s quite obvious which type society conditions you to want - the long term kind of guy. You’re also getting a lot of “slut shaming” or puritan sex shaming type of conditioning from society which pushes you away from the physically attractive, dominant, “stud” type of guy.
But both attractions are still very real, you’re just being pushed in one direction and away from the other.
So for me it seems like you are in conflict with your natural attraction you have and the way society conditions you to behave. This conditioning is very strong, so that you consider giving in to your sexual desires impossible. As such, you feel a real sense of loss - you lose the opportunity to follow your desires, you “lose” this person you desire - and a feeling of loss makes you sad, so you cry.
Did you just… Say all cis women are attracted to 2 types men? A ‘stud’ and a ‘dependable’ type? Because they are also the only types and never shall the two combine?
Like, all of us women? All of us?
Which cartoon told you this? And who told you to repeat this strange teen movie trope with such a sense of confidence?
Wtaf
Even the way you express yourself and use emphasis… Really I’m happy for you, you surely have no problem in navigating our kind of world.
This is so ridiculous, I’m glad I didn’t see this when answering him cause now I get it even better, how ridiculous it is.
That’s not what it said at all but good for you people. Your thought says more about the way you are: don’t read, don’t understand but just speak in the way that gets you approval.
That’s NOT the meaning of the message, and before reading this comment I read it and totally got what it meant.
Simply put, one person wasn’t that worried about the upvotes but making the message easier = communicating with me, not thinking about how someone could take the initial draft of a thought just to find faults in it and twist it around.
And the other is here just for upvotes, didn’t even bother to answer my question ??
We could find faults in anyone’s answers here, but obviously you go for what would trigger most people and then you feel happy and satisfied. Even if you had understood the message and was doing it for the right purpose, that’s not the way to go about it. And the dynamic is pretty clear, just look at people’s reactions… Sad. When something gets hype on the internet there’s something wrong with it, just a reminder. Hope this clarifies things a bit.
If people wanted to readn and understand the whole message it is pretty clear, and clearly it was just an initial draft and clearly it could go different ways since he was just outlining his thought, “simple attraction to this, but society (…)” vs “commitment, normality, etc.”. And this outline can then be applied to the different things one could be judged for and the different things that different societies find normal.
Don’t assume others are as “stupid” as you are. Maybe sometimes it’s you who’s not comprehending. Also he’s talking about judgment and how that is wrong, wtf with you saying he’s saying just that? HE WAS TALKING AGAINST THAT.
SINCE LATER IN HIS POST HE TALKED ABOUT SLUT SHAMING IT’S PRETTY CLEAR HIS MESSAGE WAS NOT TO BE READ THE WAY YOU WANTED TO, CAUSE THAT’S NOT WHAT HE MEANT, THAT’S NOT THE WAY HE IS. So really shame on you for this, this to me is criminal.
This was just sad, annoying and useless in the way it was discussed with the misunderstood party AND useless to the entire post.
Stfu
I love you, you understand me. I completely agree with everything you wrote. Of course there aren’t only 2 types in total. I just thought what you wrote sounded like these 2 types.
And the answer to mine and the downvotes are exactly what I’m talking about, they are the social conditioning speaking. My views have to be dismissed without looking at what I’m actually saying, because it goes against this conditioning. No one is actually talking about your problem/issue/question anymore.
Luckily I don’t care about downvotes/disagreement. If someone is clearly not even reading past the first sentence I don’t need to spend my energy engaging with them more, trying to work against their offendedness.
Did you just read someone’s comment with the least possible generosity you could? Why?
I have very few feelings of generosity for men explaining the apparently concrete and defined preferences of women, especially when they’re the dated, stereotypical and unfounded assertions that underpin the incel and PUA ideologies.
OP seems young and naive given the content of her question. His response to her gives her the impression of experience and a confidence in ‘how things are’ and it’s 4chan bullshit.
I’ll save my generosity for people more deserving.
- You don’t bother answering the post
- you don’t bother having a mature discussion with the person you’re disagreeing with
- not even responding to my answer and explanation, I’m not even sure you bothered to read it or anything else at all
- from the way you spoke here I wouldn’t say you’re a reader in general, you’re just tuned to some other channel and live in your bubble.
- Your hobby is judging other people in other bubbles.
- you probably don’t have an answer other than just repeating your slogans, because there’s no way to justify your behavior and you probably don’t even get it
- you speak with scorn and can’t give an answer to discussions unless it permits you to say what you have already prepared. That says a lot about you.
You give yourself the impression of experience and confidence in ‘how things are’, I actually think you are the naive one. And assuming you’re not young since you called me that, I’d say you’re the dangerous type of naive.
Oh I read your responses and it confirmed my initial thoughts.
I had nothing useful to provide you in terms of your original post and others have attempted here and you seem happy with their answers.
But I don’t read tripe like the reductive, false waffle that guy wrote and not call it out. I write how I speak. I don’t speak in slogans so I’m not sure what you’re referring to.
I’m likely old in relative terms to you, yes. Young isn’t an insult. It’s contextualising my scorn (to use your word) for his response to someone who is.
You’re pretty fired up in your responses to me. I only hope you grow to direct that passion towards people espousing that drivel he wrote instead.
👏
Did you really just not even finish the first paragraph after reading the first sentence?.. The second sentence is literally “Obviously best combined in one person”
But just those 2 right? Because that’s… How our brains are wired or something? Based on… Something you saw in a movie from 1997 or something?
Thank you 😊 I don’t get why the downvotes haha Lemmy is such a disappointment for now. I see why you’d think that based on my post and I would totally agree with that, were it the case.
The other guys I’m referring to were not what society is pushing me towards though! At least the way I see it. They were into arts and getting involved with it, hanging with “unusual” people (always to mean what’s expected and what’s not). They actually helped me go through many changes, just meeting them had this effect, I was in university and they had a big impact on me.
While with this guy, I think my brain is going “if something happened it would be it” like bye bye to all you ever wanted, don’t fall into that trap. Idk why. But it’s the opposite of what you said: I could never have something long term with those other guys and didn’t even want to, and I loved it that way. This guy and what he looks like for now would be normal and expected (just to follow this line of thought)
He was downvoted because saying “you guys have attraction for two types of guys” show a clear lack of understanding the complexity of the human kind. You can’t generalize and say that every single woman is attracted to two categories of men or at best a combination of two, that’s not how it works
well read my answer to that, but make sure you understand what you’re reading
With this answer I would also change my answer. It seems to me simply that you have found “love on first sight”. For some reason this guy’s looks, smell, mannerisms, movements, whatever are all fitting together to make him extremely attractive to you. Seems like not your usual type but as you said, definitely attractive.
I’m not exactly sure why you cry xD but it could be because you’re feeling regret to not having approached him? Or it could be that you wish some of these other men were “like him” because you would like to be with them, but unfortunately they didn’t have that same spark with you?
Or it could be that you wish some of these other men were “like him” because you would like to be with them, but unfortunately they didn’t have that same spark with you?
Yes I think this is part of it :( Cause when crying I’m actually crying about the other guys
I am older, and wanted to say there have been a few random guys who were enormously sexually attractive to me but not on their looks or personality or anything, and I always figured it was just some sort of biological compatibility, that my body recognized they would make healthy babies or something like that.
This sounds similar to what you have going on here, and it’s safe to ignore it. It is puzzling, that feeling, but no way does it mean you’d get along well with someone.
