I was told our dog had gone to live on a farm. For a long time afterwards I pestered to be allowed to visit the dog on said farm, and was told it would be too upsetting for him. “He wouldn’t understand.”

Years later I found out the dog had run away, gotten into a field, and killed a sheep. He was identified by the farmer, and someone official came to our house and took him away to be shot.

I wish they had just told me he’d been run over.

Tell the truth kindly. That doesn’t include comforting lies about “afterlife”.

You tell them, gently, directly and as a matter of fact. Then you pick up the pieces.

It’s an uncomfortable, sweaty-palm conversation that needs to happen. Sugarcoating it isn’t going to help in the long run.

When I was a kid I had two cats. One of them, the older cat, got run over by a car one day. My parents told me about it that night. I was like 8 years old and it absolutely devastated me, but knowing what happened allowed me to grieve properly and let all of my feelings out.

My other cat just disappeared one day, and although I suspect that she also died in a similar manner, not knowing the truth always gave me hope that one day she would show back up on my doorstep meowing to be let inside.

My point is that if you try to obfuscate the subject, the risk is that your kid won’t properly understand what happened until much later in life and all the unprocessed emotions can cause trauma. Bluntness might seem cruel in the moment, but you have to do it. Ask for their full attention, sit them down, and tell them what happened, and offer comfort in whatever way you can. The news will hurt them, and they will possibly lash out at you, but eventually they will recover from it and go back to feeling normal again.

Good luck, OP.

When I was little, perhaps 5 at the most, a family pet died.

My parents told me it died matter-of-factly.

That’s what you do.

How old? How often have they been exposed to the concept from stories or media or such? Agree with @[email protected] that you just tell them but for anyone who comes across here with kids it might be good to keep in mind with what exposure your kids get before it hits in reality.

Don’t lie. You owe them the truth and it’s a learning opportunity for them to grow emotionally before having to deal with a human death. Emotional Intelligence is just as important as being able to read.

Analogies can help but don’t hide behind them. Greive together. Have a gesture, no matter how simple that encourages closure. Perhaps go through photos of the pet with them and ask which should be framed or printed or put on the fridge or something like that.

Talk to them about the emotions you are having, how those emotions feel and allow them to also have emotions, especially in the coming weeks when they miss them. But you don’t have to lie about what you are feeling or make a huge deal about. Don’t rush to fill the void too quickly. Comfort, yes, perhaps a new pet in due time. But not immediately as that cheapens the connection from being with an individual to being a role.

It sounds cruel for me to say I hope your kid has to endure many human deaths in their life but the alternative is either for them to have far too short of a life or for then to become unattached.

And I hope they will also be there for their friends when their friends have to deal with a loss. Kids model behaviour more then they do as they are taught, so it’s an opportunity to model that kind of behavior and emotional support.

“Hey kid, your dog died.”

You tell them. You explain it. And you focus on the joy of the dog’s life, while acknowledging the grief because the dog is gone.

Everyone with a live dog, raise your hand!

Sally, put your hand down.

There is a very well written children’s book “The Hare-Shaped Hole” which is a gentle way to explain loss.

Had to go trough this with our 3yr old 2 years ago. dog got an untreatable cancer diagnosis. We bought a daniel tiger book about his fish dying and read it to her quite a few times. We also kept mentioning that the dog was sick. A couple of months later the dog had to be put to sleep, we did this during her naptime and told her beforehand that she (dog) was going to die like the fish in the book.

My daughter was sad after, but not devastated (I was) and to this day she will out of nowhere say that she misses our dog Bailey

*edit to clarify my daughter wasn’t dying

Death is part of life.
Grief and sadness too. There’s no reason to keep these from small children.

Just yesterday a 4yo told me about the death & burial of their grandfather. Yes, she cried. But she’s a very happy child.

Of course you help them process it. Books and stories can help.

I’d need more context to give you a real answer but personally:

Do it like any “we need to talk” adult talks, keep it simple explain what happened, give age appropriate details, and tell them it’s ok to cry/be mad/be sad for a long time, etc. encourage them to express their feelings in that moment and then in recovery share with them when something reminded you of the pet or things related to the pet, it seems counter intuitive but they are having these same thoughts and feelings and by saying them out loud you’re saying it’s ok to feel this and we can grieve together.

Hope this helps

Our dog died badly and the kids witnessed it. It was sudden. The dog’s lungs filled with fluid.

The kids still talk about that day sometimes.

We had to resuscitate the dog enroute to the vet.

That was a hard day.