I do the same. I used to try to understand it and fight it, but nothing helped and it has all been a mess. I ended up just avoiding it and living like that. Seems terrible, but made me feel better. I’m not the one having to suffer by looking at my face anyway, it’s the others around me, so I don’t care anymore. With time, I learned to preemptively avoid any reflective surface, so I very rarely get glimpses of me,and when I do, it’s never for long enough to actually form a mental image. I even learned to pass face id in banks without looking at the screen. There has been several years and I probably don’t even know how I look anymore, but I feel better like that. However, I recon it’s just avoidance, so I definitely don’t recommend doing what I do

As fr the cause, I also don’t know. I might have some level of gender dysphoria, but I’m also unsure, and I didn’t find myself ugly or something like that, I just can’t stand looking at myself. It’s really hard to try to understand