We are deeply shaped by our upbringing, but not permanently imprisoned by it. The past explains us, but it does not define what we do next.
There’s a great book that goes into detail on this called ‘The Courage to be Disliked’. I highly recommend it.
In my opinion (and the position of Adlerian psychology) is that no experience (however painful) is in itself the cause of our current unhappiness. What constrains us is the meaning and goals we attach to those experiences. When someone says “I am this way because of my childhood,” the book would argue that this is often a story chosen to justify a present goal (for example, avoiding risk, intimacy, or responsibility), not an iron law imposed by the past.
Freedom begins when we separate “what happened to me” from “what I am choosing to pursue now,” and take responsibility for our own life tasks instead of living to meet others’ expectations. That is the “courage to be disliked”: accepting that if you start living according to self-chosen values rather than your upbringing’s scripts, some people may disapprove. Yet that is the price of genuine adulthood.
I like this superficially, but it doesn’t seem to address deeper meanings of OPs question.
Our experiences in youth shape our framework for evaluating the future. For example, if no one in your family went to university, you would likely not ever have considered it yourself. Conversely, if your parents talked about their experiences in qualifying, selecting a school and program, the experiece of it all, the person’s perception of the possible becomes greater.
Just like a poor kid has much less ability to start the next Amazon than did a rich kids who is a self made man with a large loan from his parents.
If everything you know is a black circle, and what you can push through and learn and discover yourself is a slightly larger white circle that is 10% bigger than the original. Consider that two people of equal health intellect and aptitudes will have different potentials based on upbringing. 10% of 100 of the poor child achieves 10 units of life’s adventure. The rich kid’s circle of experience because of enrichment from their privileged upbringing starts at 200. 10% of 200 = 20 units of adventure from the same abilities.
I also was referring to child abuse and other childhood trauma. It can take many forms but all of them leave deep emotional scarres that don’t necessarily heal.
I think child abuse specifically tends to run along family lines. You grow up being abused and then abuse your children.
The problem is that it really hard not to be like your parents. Kids learn by mirroring the behavior of adults and if the adults are poorly behaved it has a massive impact.
It is hard to know how to be loving if you were never loved
it’s not hard if you understand your parents are idiots who make bad choices and their not loving you or treating you well is also a product of their bad choices.
and then at some point you will have to take care of them and that will further make you realize how stupid they are/were.
We are deeply shaped by our upbringing, but not permanently imprisoned by it. The past explains us, but it does not define what we do next.
There’s a great book that goes into detail on this called ‘The Courage to be Disliked’. I highly recommend it.
In my opinion (and the position of Adlerian psychology) is that no experience (however painful) is in itself the cause of our current unhappiness. What constrains us is the meaning and goals we attach to those experiences. When someone says “I am this way because of my childhood,” the book would argue that this is often a story chosen to justify a present goal (for example, avoiding risk, intimacy, or responsibility), not an iron law imposed by the past.
Freedom begins when we separate “what happened to me” from “what I am choosing to pursue now,” and take responsibility for our own life tasks instead of living to meet others’ expectations. That is the “courage to be disliked”: accepting that if you start living according to self-chosen values rather than your upbringing’s scripts, some people may disapprove. Yet that is the price of genuine adulthood.
I like this superficially, but it doesn’t seem to address deeper meanings of OPs question.
Our experiences in youth shape our framework for evaluating the future. For example, if no one in your family went to university, you would likely not ever have considered it yourself. Conversely, if your parents talked about their experiences in qualifying, selecting a school and program, the experiece of it all, the person’s perception of the possible becomes greater.
Just like a poor kid has much less ability to start the next Amazon than did a rich kids who is a self made man with a large loan from his parents.
If everything you know is a black circle, and what you can push through and learn and discover yourself is a slightly larger white circle that is 10% bigger than the original. Consider that two people of equal health intellect and aptitudes will have different potentials based on upbringing. 10% of 100 of the poor child achieves 10 units of life’s adventure. The rich kid’s circle of experience because of enrichment from their privileged upbringing starts at 200. 10% of 200 = 20 units of adventure from the same abilities.
I also was referring to child abuse and other childhood trauma. It can take many forms but all of them leave deep emotional scarres that don’t necessarily heal.
I think child abuse specifically tends to run along family lines. You grow up being abused and then abuse your children.
abuse is a choice. you can choose not to abuse people if you were abused.
true though, that most don’t and view their abuse as a justification for their abusing others.
The problem is that it really hard not to be like your parents. Kids learn by mirroring the behavior of adults and if the adults are poorly behaved it has a massive impact.
It is hard to know how to be loving if you were never loved
it’s not hard if you understand your parents are idiots who make bad choices and their not loving you or treating you well is also a product of their bad choices.
and then at some point you will have to take care of them and that will further make you realize how stupid they are/were.