Ye TIFU big time, not only today but the next years to come.
I always thought I wanted kids, but after we married I started realising I don’t want kids. I like the freedom I have, playing video games, going to gym, travel,… all with only my wife.
My TIFU: I realised way too late after marrying and building a house that wanting kids will never be what I want. I always listened to people: “That will change, believe me”; “When your older you will!”
The thought of a kid might be good sometimes, but the more I think of it the worse it gets.
I had to talk with my wife and she started crying, understandable.
We are now in our house, I still love her and she still loves me but the kids problem is a huge problem cause she only wants kids with me. She is now 33, already “old” for kids.
I think I destroyed everything. I can’t change somehow that I don’t want kids, I was hoping that my thoughts of “Yeah maybe in future, would be cool” would turn into something I’d do anything for. But it’s just not happening and I feel like I lived a lie to her, giving her wrong hopes and we married, built house,…
It’s nothing I couldn’t solve though, I just feel bad for her and I feel like I should just give her a kid before her chance vanishes. I don’t think she will find a new man in a while to get kids right away. She is already 33.
I don’t know what her plans are yet. I told her Im open to anything, let her date and find someone I don’t want to be in her way and I won’t make it harder than it already is. I’d just disapear a while and if she needs me she can call. I’d always be there for her, even if she finds a new person and this person would break up with her I’d support her even if it wouldn’t be my own child.
It’s weird cause I still love her, she loves me (I guess), but the “child problem” is so huge I dont want to say: “you cant have kids” nor do I want to just get a kid to make her happy.
The best thing that could happen is if she would find someone who wants kids and loves her just as much as I do and me leaving.
Once this is all over I will never ever get a new person in my life. Not because I couldn’t, I just want my peace. I think Im a loner and better off alone. But I’d still be there if she calls me in the middle of the night (if she would, I don’t think she’d ever do it after this) but I’d still remain helping her if ever needed. This doesn’t make it easier for her though. And not for me either.
But the TIFU is about me fuc.king up and I guess it’s all me to blame for not wanting childrend and knowing this so “late” after all this.
Nothing I can fix. The only solution would be just making a kid and playing my role the next 18 years until it moves out.
EDIT: Im just discovering that I more and more do not want kids. Looking at my friends, who can’t sleep all night, who can’t go on vacations or afford simple things,… or even worse: looking at my friend who has 3 kids and a house but divorced. He is living in a 20m² room, paying 1200 € child support and 50% f the house and he is broke. And yes, there are also positive examples of quiet kids and good families, but I just don’t want to risk it and just cause I raise a kid doesn’t mean it’ll be with me forever.
I know many people 60+ who have children that never visit them.
My advice? You both are fixed on different desires. If you really worry that she’ll be devastated without a child, then it won’t be too bad - give her the kid. Then, when ready, break up with her. If being together, her sacrificing motherhood or you sacrificing freedom, is more painful than being separated with what you both really want from this life, then a child, a divorce and two bittersweet but in the end happy adults is in my opinion the greatest outcome.
There’s also the factor of bearing a child that might suffer under the rules of the mother - raising offspring should never be to appease the parent. It should be to selflessly provide for the child. But, in the end, nobody can easily foresee the child suffering.
Yet another factor is the realm she lives in - someone has to financially provide for her if she refuses. In some realms it costs a years’ wages to raise an adult. In others it takes several years’ worth with no state support. The former is possible, in the case that the mother doesn’t find another mate. The latter may well be a capitalist death sentence. In which case, either do not offer a child, but still break up with her, or stay and raise one together.
Sacrifice has to happen in your case. But in my opinion, living a life of despair and regret for not having lived on your terms is the worst possible. Which brings me to factor 3 - you have let other people dictate your decisions, guide your way. The people I know that have done that have died in cults, become emotionally dead to their children, and led the majority of their life as the wrong gender or betrothed to the wrong gender.
You can take my guidance on how to live your life – on your terms… Then listen only to yourself.
It’s never too late to change. The pain will come from leaving everything you built with her. But you both have a future. Together or not. Neither of you are condemned at 33.