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6 days agoi stopped reading most docs after like 95 unless they are rfc or reference and i had a memory that was stellar
now, i read all of them over and over and over because i got a tbi from electroshock “therapy” and i am working with shitty autobiographical memories and cant get to the details. so i read, keep reading, and make sure all the mans are at hand along with my references. now i get frustrated and wanna die but i still get it done but im always like yeah uh no
its called anhedonia and its a symptom of many psychiatric issues. i had it for like 40 years and it got worse as my cptsd bloomed and i acquired depression that was treatment-resistant. it was severe. i had many meds and ect and ketamine. ketamine fuckin works but it takes a toll on my dissociative disorder and tbh my sense of what is real and it likely triggered the clinical paranoia. however, i now take atomoxetine and it fixes the anhedonia really well in comparison to before. now i get up and simple shit makes me feel good. not great, not ecstatic, just good. it turns out i can like everyday stuff. also, being trans with the wrong endogenous hormones also made it worse. so, to sum up, estradiol, lamictal, and atomoxetine are a magic combo for me. now its just life stress that makes me want to turn myself off. at least every single thing in my life is no longer a sisyphean grind like a real life mmo that never gives you coin or an epic.