music

Agreed Linux > Windows.

You’re at a barbeque and/or party, you look to your left there’s 1 or 2 people that you have spoken to before, but still you feel uncomfortable. You look to your right, you don’t spot anyone you know, so you gravitate towards the left. After half an hour you muster up the courage to introduce yourself for the second time in a year, and someone laughs because you’re being overly formal and they remember you from last time. Instantly you feel embarrassed for yourself and them, noone told you how you’re supposed to react in these scenarios and you pulled the wrong chance card out of existence. You go home later and for weeks afterwards you emotionally connect to that point in time. Everytime you think back you play that moment back where someone laughed. You worry the next time you’re invited to something social, you will react the same or worse.

How is this not debilitating? I’m fucking sick of neurotypical people telling us how we should react. You are the bullies and eventually we will prevail. You are a footnote in existence, we are the unique and interesting people that will destroy your shit lives. Fuck. Off.

Imagine waking up one day and realising you’re different to everyone else around you, this might happen at an early age because you have supportive people around you, or it might happen in your 20s when you’re leaving home for the first time to join the big world around you, or it might happen later in life.

It takes you years to realise you are different, because you grew up like this and as a child you think everyone feels and thinks the same. You learnt to mask all those differences because you want to fit in, but you don’t really fit in very well because most of it is an act. You’re a lonely child, and you feel alone a lot of the time, but this is ok because there is comfort in being alone.

Imagine having to act differently to how you feel every waking hour of your life when you are around people. It’s exhausting, it’s very debilitating. I wish I could go back in time and explain to myself that everything will generally be ok, but I doubt I would have listened as almost every waking moment was spent in fight or flight mode.

I grew up in the 80s, and much like the 70s unless it was really obvious there was a problem, you were generally left to yourself. I am self diagnosed because it can take years for a diagnosis without having money. Would it help if I were given a formal diagnosis? Perhaps, it might help with giving myself a break more often, I might be more compassionate to myself when I struggle with normal things. Ultimately though, I will still struggle with those things, perhaps I would be given more support, I doubt it though.

When I read your first question I felt it was a bit insulting, but I hope it comes from a good honest place and you’re not just being ignorant on purpose.

Have you heard Metempiric by Knoll? One of my favourite bands around right now. I guess they’d be described as blackened grindcore. Intense, extreme, and beautiful record.

Hiding in plain sight.