Sorry for the negative post but this disorder is genuinely terrible. I was diagnosed a few months ago and from the report I received it seems like I have an extremely bad case of it.
I lost 8 percent of my final grade in an operating system class because I submitted the wrong file.
Fine, I have syncthing setup between my desktop and laptop so I’ll just check if the assignment is on my shared folder in my desktop. It’s not.
Ok, I’ll turn on my laptop and grab the file itself. Oh, I have a boot error and now I need to open up the recovery environment to see if the hard drive is even being recognized.
It’s not. Now I have to open up the laptop and reconnect it.
At this point it’s been 30 minutes of me scrambling to get my laptop up and working again and I found the damn assignment there. I emailed my professor and I’m praying that he reevaluates the assignment because the earlier submission had nothing on it. It was just the default assignment.
None of this shit would have happened had I taken just one second to check over what I submitted a month earlier.
I hate reading articles pertaining to ADHD as if it’s some quirky condition that just takes a little bit of time and medication to work through. Its not. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m even conscious in order to function at all, and now I have to sustain extra mental effort to do a relatively hard task.
The only thing that keeps me going is my boss saying “nice work” when I diagnose an issue successfully. It feels infantilizing, as if he knows there’s something going on with me that’s making it hard to cope with the demands of life but “atleast he’s trying his best, atleast he shows up to work, this customer said he had a friendly attitude”.
So first off, on a personal note, I just wanna take a second and acknowledge that it sounds like you’re really “in it.” You’re feeling the familiar frustration, and the shame. That little voice in the back of your head that whispers, “I’m not enough” is loud and clear right now. It sounds like you’ve had a lot going on, maybe you’re burntout, and you’re sick of feeling like a failure? All of that is totally valid, and it makes sense why you’d feel that way given the lifetime of negative reinforcement you’ve received, the recent diagnosis, and all the pressure to just be able to do what others can. I think most of us here, especially those of us that were also diagnosed as adults, can relate to those feelings in a big way. I know I can. I’m really sorry that you’re going through that. :(
On a discussion-oriented note, generally speaking, I think it’s important to be able to see ADHD holistically. It is a debilitating disability and it is comorbid with some really awesome/interesting qualities. It is not a superpower, but it is also not all bad, either; it’s not just one thing, it’s a whole-ass neurotype that comes with all the quirks and kinks any other brain has.
Your experience might be that you don’t believe the trade-off is worth it, and you know, most days I would agree with you. I think most people here would. The truth is, though, it’s really no better or worse than any other brain in terms of being a good, functional brain. ADHD is not an illness. We are only disabled insofar as society is disabling to us. The world was not built for us, and until we make some more equitable, systemic changes, we will continue to struggle. Just as modern buildings need to include wheelchair ramps and wider doorframes for people with walking aids, the future of society needs to include us in its design. We need accommodation to be able to thrive, and under the right conditions, it would not at all be out of the question.
None of this is meant to absolve us of accountability or responsibility, and it’s not to say that nothing is really our fault, or that the pain we experience isn’t valid. I just mean to say that we spend a lot of time beating ourselves up and commiseratting getting beat down by the world, which is completely understandable, but is there a different conversation that might be more beneficial to us? How can we educate our bosses and teachers and parents about us? How do we make sure that kids are being appropriately diagnosed, and that girls and children of color get diagnosed, as well? What could an ADHD/Autism-friendly work environment look like? What about ADHD/Autism-friendly supermarkets? How can we change stigma, expectations, and our environments to be better? Don’t we deserve better? Yes, having ADHD sucks as it stands, but does it have to?
That’s just my 2¢, anyway.
This line is reasoning really frustrates me
It doesn’t matter what society I live in, I’m still going to forget people’s birthdays, I’m going to forget to call them, I’m going to forget promises I made, I’m going to turn up late for things etc.
All of those things negatively impact my relationships, even in worlds built to include us
Society could absolutely be shaped better for us and reduce the issues we face, but that isn’t the total picture
I understand the frusteration–I know it feels like an unrealistic suggestion. But I think it’s important to question whether a more general understanding of ADHD could help? Like if people knew that, because you have ADHD, forgetting a date or something is not a sign that you don’t care about them as it’s out of your control. Maybe people in your life could learn how you express that they are important to you. They could learn to appreciate you for who you are and forgive you for who you are not. I know, for me, I greatly appreciate when someone remembers my birthday or an important date, but I don’t hold it against them when they don’t/can’t.
That’s what I mean. It’s not reasonable to expect us to conform to every societal expectation when we literally can’t, especially when others might have more flexibility to meet us where we are (or even in the middle) and don’t currently put in that effort a lot of the time. People could be more aware and compassionate of our condition, just as they won’t be mad of someone with a walker can’t help them move. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to help or that they don’t care, they just don’t have the mobility. People understand that, so why couldn’t they understand us, too?
Right, but even there, you acknowledge the difference. Tolerating the lack of something is not the same as finding joy in its presence. That thing you where you greatly appreciate folks who remember is something I struggle to receive in my relationships.
And to me, this stuff isn’t a societal norm issue. If birthdays weren’t important, it would be something else. Everyone, irrelevant of their culture or background, finds contact with friends meaningful, finds some memories and dates and moments meaningful. I will always struggle with those things.
Because the things we’re talking about here directly impact the ability to develop and sustain relationships. My inability to remember important things or even sustain basic regular contact directly undermines my relationships with people. And yeah, I can compensate, I can work around, I can develop other areas of the relationship etc, but my point is, it isn’t a deficit simply “because society”. In cases like this, it would be a deficit no matter how we restructured things.