I’ve had a bit of a rough go with it in terms of being raised in a bad environment, not properly socialised properly early in life, and to top it off my partner of 7 years just ended things because of some pretty nasty issues between us that I felt were perfectly fixable.
Everything as it is, I’ve started having issues with feelings of being disposable. Like I don’t matter, like I’m nothing and I can’t expect people to stick around, like they’re waiting for a reason to abandon me.
On a logical level that doesn’t hold much water, but at this point I’m starting to wonder how to fight these feelings if they come from very factual places. How can I justify the thought that I inheritly have worth, if the reality of the situation is that I keep being treated like garbage.
I’m doing all the right stuff, seeing a psych, prioritising recover, actually have a pretty decent inner voice going, but the feelings are still really strong and it’s hard to fight them. I’m not really sure how to handle this.
I’m not asking for details, but first you said the issues were nasty and then you said they were fixable. That’s a sharp contrast. Regardless, once one person checks out, the potential doesn’t matter any more.
Another thing, perhaps more importantly, is that your worth is not derived from your partner. If it were, all the single people would be worthless, and we aren’t. But you might have grown up being fed that value, that you have to get married or whatever, and if you don’t then somehow you messed up, or some bullshit like that. It takes time to let that kind of bullshit value go.
I didn’t do a great job of it, the gist of it is the nasty issues like inability to communicate, stonewalling, etc facilitated the ongoing small issues. For example I wasn’t allowed to do certain chores, but she wouldn’t keep up with them either. Easy to fix if communication is there, harder if all those issues are getting in the way.
Yeah I’ve been staying to wonder about that today, I do think my self worth was derived from the relationship, as my regular stuff kind of fell away as our lifestyle became incompatible with them. It’s a slow rebuild, but I felt relaxed for the first time in ages today, so progress is happening.