I need to talk about this because I’m still processing it.
I’ve been tracking my mood daily for about four months. Two weeks ago I noticed something. Every time I marked a really low day - the 2s and 3s - there was a common thread. It was always after an interaction with the same person.
My best friend. The person I considered my closest relationship.
Going back through entries, the pattern is undeniable. After hanging out with her, I feel drained, anxious, not good enough. She makes subtle comments that I brush off in the moment but they show up in my journal as “why did she say that” and “am I overreacting or was that mean.”
I never would have seen this without the data. In person, I just thought I was being sensitive. But the journal doesn’t lie.
Now I have to figure out what to do with this information and I’m kind of lost.
Has journaling revealed something about a relationship you didn’t want to see?
Have an open and honest conversation with her, explaining your hurt.
If she takes offense, insults, refuses to change, gaslights you, or downplays, then she may not be the best friend you thought all this time. It sucks, but it might be time to cut out the negative in your life.
On the flip side, if she’s receptive, apologetic, understanding, and willing to change, she might just be better than the best friend you thought you had, and your relationship could be upgraded. If this is the case, give her grace as she unlearns old habits and relearns new ones, by kindly reminding her that those comments hurt you when she, inevitably, falls into old habits.
I’ve had this type of conversation many times, and cut out many once-friends. Those that remained, are tighter than family.
Edit. Autocorrect.
Well I haven’t journaled anything but I often feel down after hanging out with a friend who has everything going right in his life and feeling very fulfilled while I’ve been struggling to get the most basics down for as long as I can remember. Nothing he says or does makes me feel bad, just the comparison I make myself.
I worry I’m that person to others
Worrying that you’re not nice enough to your friends is a green flag. I’ve been in that boat myself.
Ugh, ive worried this is kind of my friend group. A couple of them are constantly disagreeing with me or just being negative about everything. Then there’s an online friend who I like but he’s so negativevall the time but I feel bad because he has no job or friends and he is usually nice but some days its like dude be more positive. It doesn’t help he’s terminally online.
I have a couple other super nice friends but I’m not as close to them and they have their own group so I dont want to annoy them by intruding…
Calmly confront her about it after memorizing the narcissist’s prayer
This is the way.
OP: If your friend is able to listen to you without becoming defensive and mean, but rather wants to fix what is wrong in your relationship, then she is a keeper, OP. I mean, if she’s a little defensive, but still open to listen and change, she’s a good egg just a bit insecure about criticism which is normal, especially in young people, which I am guessing you guys are.
But!!
If every attempt you make at talking about this concern you have, is used to attack you or deflect/distract from your points, you are dealing with someone who is at best too insecure and too immature to be a good friend at this moment or you are dealing with someone on the narcissistic spectrum. Hopefully it is the former, but either way, if she can’t take responsibility for how she affects you, she is not your friend and therefore not your problem.
Take it from an old goat who had to reach the age of 30 before the penny dropped and I realized that I constantly picked friends who were emotional vampires. Not all of them were what I would call narcissistic. I actually think the number was pretty low in that regard, but they were all immature and deeply insecure people who made me miserable and irritable and I was happier without them in my life. I wish them the best and hope they’ll have a lovely life, but I won’t be in it.
I hope you and your friend can find a good solution, and if not, well… plenty of platonic fish in the sea!
🤗
Nah - they won’t change and it’s not my job to make them change.
People are who they are.
Next.
Great way to become alone in this world lol. And this comes from someone who does not waste second thought if time comes to cutting contact - but for that to be true, you need to allow other party to notice the problem and see if they are willing to work on it.
Or you can be a douche and cut contact for your convienience whenever someone does something that irks you.
What’s the prayer?
That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
Are you sure it’s the person? Do you similar interactions to compare to, same kind of environment, same time of the day, etc?
Couldn’t it also be that you’re more open to them and therefore talking about more sensitive things which could induce low mood.
The comments part are surely a problem but the other points might also interfere
In addition to other concerns here, you might want to review your boundaries with this person. Often people you like are allowed to cross lines which make you uncomfortable “because you’re supposed to” let them in. Just remember your own agency. If that person, loved one or not, brings a net negative to your life it’s probably time to (re)establish their access.
Edit: good on you for paying attention! 😁
Yep.
Lots of emotional/energy vampires out there.
The good news is that unlike ‘proper’ vampires, you can just revoke their access to you.
… and that’s how a ghost is born.
Free to float through other spaces, or just do whatever it wants, … but not within the gaze of the vampire.
i always drag my feet but this is a great motivator! i have a few people and things i suspect but i need concrete proof to see it!
