Tldr at the bottom.
No real names, sorry. I (28M) am a department lead at my job, Jane (25F) is also in a similar position in another department. John (~23M) is in my department working under me. I am his direct supervisor. I am on good terms with John.
A few weeks ago, Jane has been reaching out to me for casual conversation unprompted and will come get me for any work related cross department needs no matter how minor. I can clearly tell she is interested in me as nobody is that persistent with casual conversation or finding ways to interact if they weren’t. She has told me I am her favorite person to work with even though I barely know her.
Jane is cute and also hilarious, I wouldn’t mind dating her and have considered it if we end up being a good match. So far so good anyway.
Bring in my coworker John. John is an interesting character. Funny guy, good heart, openly a furry, Bisexual leans gay, and rascal like personality. John also has depression and sees a therapist. He openly hates his job even to his own coworkers dissatisfaction. We don’t deal with the best of work, but it still gets old hearing it for everyone. John is also easily distracted to the point of causing issues with his work performance.
I like john, he stresses me out at times but I try to be patient as I know he lives a rough life. He will confide in me often about his issues. Most recently he had a episode to where he got so distracted his partner was doing all the work and the partner snapped at him. I had to talk to both of them, one about his yelling even if justified and John with his lack of focus.
My discussion with John turned out alright, he hates his job and wants to leave but appreciates me. The only reason he stays he tells me is because of his interest in Jane. He has apparently asked her out before and she said she would. Don’t think they have yet. They are friends to my knowledge.
Obviously, I don’t want to touch this problem with a 10 ft pole from a job perspective. I like Jane and I am damn well certain she likes me as well from how she interacts with me and I believe that will interfere with John’s life even if I do nothing. John is a good guy that is teetering on the edge of mental stability and I have no desire to not only break his trust in his mind by going to “steal his girl” after he told me about his desire for her, but also push him over the edge.
I don’t think she is giving up either. So what should I do?
Tldr: cowork likes me, I like her, other coworker I am in charge of likes her and has gotten a yes from her when asking her out but no date yet. Coworker has depression and ended up telling me about his desire for her recently. Doing nothing is not an option as she pursues me. He persues her. Me dating her would likely cause him to meltdown. What to do?
This is not complicated at all. Ask her out and let her choose. Have a polite, but not too close relationship to the guy who is basically your subordinate. If you think he might harm himself, take action, but other than that your not responsible for his wellbeing.
Also, it sounds to me that you are trying to be absolutely fair to this guy, not only in this thread but also at work, but not necessarily like him too much. I’m also pretty certain that she was just polite to him and didn’t want to upset him. Talk with your love interest, than you will know.
If I can’t/won’t see both sides of the coin, am I really a good leader? I wouldn’t think so.
“I’m also pretty certain that she was just polite to him and didn’t want to upset him.” That may be the case and it seems that way if she is still happy to talk to me as she does. I have been on both sides of this and it certainly sucks to be in the other position. I am trying to handle this delicately if I can. It doesn’t help that he is constantly trying to hang out with me.
It’s indeed important to be an understanding boss. And I’ve also been on both sides of this and agree with you that it sucks pretty much.
However: this guy is a bad worker with a bad attitude and clearly states that he has no interest in his job. He does bad enough work to upset his teammates. You’re his boss. Don’t hang out with him. Maybe a beer after work, but even that stretches it. You wanna be his friend and hang out with him outside of work? Then you both should not work directly with each other. There is a time and place for delicacy and sometimes not.
Sorry, I’m a bit harsh! But I had problems with a co-worker myself. And I suffered actually years from constant drama because I was polite and considerate and forgiving. And it would have saved me from so much frustration and stress if I kept my distance in the beginning or just plainly told him to fuck off.
“or just plainly told him to fuck off.” I don’t know man, I feel like that would get me in more trouble. lol
Ultimately, whatever gets the job done with the least amount of feelings hurt is usually the best solution. Sometimes you have to try the carrot before you try the stick. I have gotten pretty far with that alone, but I think the bullshit we deal with is getting to him a bit too much and the rest of it is self inflicted.
I don’t need to be close with any of my staff, but it helps.