So I have a friend, ACTUAL friend not a “this is me but I don’t wanna say situation” who has identified as trans ever since she was like, 13 or 14. She doesn’t have the insurance to cover the treatments but that can be dealt with, the bigger issue is that while she really WANTS to start, she’s deathly afraid of what it’s going to do to her social circles. Which I kinda get, she’s in…not a very accepting area. But she feels like she can’t starts unless she moves away otherwise she’s just going to cause issues for her family, like specific examples she brought up being her dad pulled over and ticketed for random bullshit because of her. It’s a small town but not THAT small. I’m not sure what to do or say about it. I’ve obviously just been encouraging her to do what she wants, when she wants, but I can tell she’s getting more and more frustrated with the situation as time goes on and I just thought maybe I’d ask here for advice or thoughts or input or something. Thank you all in advance
Thank you everyone for your help! Definitely going to pass it on. I think I’m going to log out forever now though. I’m really tired to be honest. And everything is just a bit waves hands much. Especially today. You guys were a nice light though <3 Thank you
the first year of hormones often doesn’t involve really dramatic changes (although everyone is different & dosages etc matter too ofc), so she could probably go on hormones while in her hometown & be stealthy for perhaps longer than she’s expecting
when people see you every day, they don’t really notice those gradual changes. for example: my family never seemed to notice me being on testosterone & after i got top surgery, their only reaction was to ask how i “lost weight”. 🤭
if you’re living somewhere like the u.s., i can see why transitioning would be extra worrying these days. she has already socially transitioned, though, so she’s already fighting back against the fascists’ plan to intimidate people into detransitioning or never transitioning at all. fair play to her, i wish her the best & happiest life, whatever she decides to do! 🙌🫶
Thank you so much! This helps actually. Yeah she’s absolutely terrified of all the stuff trump is doing, shit I forgot to mention that. Like she’s worried that if she starts it, then Trump does something to cut off it off when she’s in the middle of it, it’s gonna be even worse for her
that’s a v legit concern, i think any trans people in the u.s. should be looking into stock-piling prescriptions if they can, and/or look into diy hrt.
there are plenty of guides online for diy hrt, like this one: https://slrpnk.net/post/16002807
it sounds intimidating & clandestine & everything, but you can get pharmaceutical-grade hrt from places where they’re more widely available, if where she lives isn’t providing her with enough options.
Oh no :/ Yeah I already talked to her about that, I’m not sure what sub it was but I went and read one of their guides on it. She’s open to it like I said, it’s the social stuff that is stopping her. And trump cutting supplies when she’s on them, which would be horrible, I understand that. My mom is trans too, so it’s an issue close to my heart, and I’d really like to help somehow. Though I know it’s ultimately just up to whenever she feels comfortable.
if she chooses to socially transition & never to do anything else, that’s perfectly valid. a lot of trans people choose this route, and it’ll be immensely helpful for her to have a supportive friend like you around.
if she chooses to medically transition as well, on her own timeline that she’s comfortable with, it’ll be immensely helpful for her to have a supportive friend like you around.
basically, you’re already doing what you can by being there for her, whatever happens 🫶
She WANTS to though. Like, a lot. She makes those “and this is what I would do with my boobs…IF I HAD THEM” jokes and aw I feel bad. My bio dad now mom was SUCH a fucking asshole before she transitioned and now she’s just a different person. I mean my friend’s not an asshole but I want her to come into herself like my mom did if that makes sense.
if she wants to, but doesn’t feel safe to, then her decision not to start yet is still valid. there’s also no rush, early twenties is so young & she has decades & decades of her life ahead of her, where her circumstances could change dramatically & she might then feel completely safe to start hormones.
safety is often a factor when trans people choose not to medically transition, or to detransition.
it sucks & of course ideally, we’d all live in a place where these decisions can be freely made without having to consider safety, but ultimately it’s each trans person’s decision to make for themselves, because no one can guarantee safety.
Yeah of course. I was just wondering if there was anything I could do to make that process easier I guess. I’m just trying to be a good friend.
For me, transitioning was when my life really started, everything else from puberty to that point was a blur. And any friends that don’t accept you were not real friends. I understand that its scary to make such a change, but if your friend truly WANTS to start that badly, then I suspect she won’t be happy until she does. She’s scared for understandable reasons, but this isn’t something that’s going to go away, and the longer you wait to start, the less life you’ll have left to enjoy it.
Yeah that’s what I’ve been telling her too. She’s 23 or so now, so she definitely knows what she wants. She’s just really terrified of her hurting her dad. Not because he won’t accept her or anything (she’s been socially living as a woman for a long while now, just hasn’t ever had the ‘dad I’m trans’ convo’) but because she’s afraid the community will lash out against her family. Which I don’t think they will, but I have super anxiety too, so I understand the paranoia. I just don’t want her to miss out on what could be some great years for her because of fear, because I did the same (in an entirely unrelated fashion though)
I’m just kind of confused. If your friend has already socially transitioned what difference would HRT make?
She’s not FULLY socially transitioned. Like, with her friends she’s herself, but with her family and in public, she’s, how did she put it…“Just a little fae”? She still goes by her deadname with family and in public
I see. I’d still recommend just going for it. I live in a conservative are with conservative family. Coming out and starting HRT made life so much better. The worst that’s happened is that people make snarky remarks and ask invasive questions.
I think the same. Thank you so much for your answers and your help! I appreciate it muchly <3
Is it possible she’s not actually ‘ready’? It sounds like, from your perspective anyway, she could reasonably start hormones just fine (and has likely incurred much of the social risk already by socially transitioning), but is coming up with reasons (of varying plausibility) why she can’t. I know that a lot of transition steps felt like these almost insurmountable hurdles for a long time and then… they didn’t, and I did the thing.
